They Call Her "Keyser Soze" − 16 August, 2006

“Keyser Soze” is not a myth, in fact "he" is a "she", and she is a 7 year old girl who spends her days and nights hatching plans of such deception and trickery, it rivals this century's best criminal masterminds. However, even a master sometimes slips up and the story below tells of how I caught "Keyser Soze".

Micaela and I have a routine every morning. I’m usually getting out of the shower when Heather heads off to work. From there I would make sure that Micaela was getting dressed while I got ready for work. It would usually consist of me reminder her to get dressed while she watch memorized at the TV, getting one leg into her pants at every commercial break. I would then get her focusing on brushing her teeth about the time I was ready to come into the living room, where, I would then help her get her shoes on. As soon as she was all put together I would make her take her clothes, blankets, stuffed animals, etc. to her room. Living room clean, I would then grab my computer bag, she grabs her backpack, and we head off to drop her at school.

The basis for one of her master plans started as a regular day on August 15, 2006. Our routine was like clockwork and we headed out the door. Just before I locked it, she asked “can I bring one of my stuffed animals to school?” I responded with a “No” and proceeded to tell her that she can’t take it because, one, she loses everything she takes to school, and two, that the school does not like kids to bring toys to school. This launched her into a small fit with some stomping and some serious lower lip puckering. I held steady.

The next day we were proceeding with our routine, but I was running a little late. Since we were running late I picked up Max (her stuffed dog), her dirty clothes, and her blankets and took them into her room. I then helped her get her shoes on. She went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She emerged from the bathroom and came into the living room, picked up a head rest pillow (left in the living room from our recent trip to Colorado), and took it back to her room. My first thought was, “it’s great, she is learning that she needs to pick up before we leave”, and although we were running late I didn’t say anything about hurrying. I was proud. Then she made her fatal mistake.

Good thieves, at least I think, must know precisely the time they have to pull off the job. Bank robbers know how long it will take to respond to the bank, based on shift turnover and what-not. Then, there is always that greedy guy, who wants to go for the safe just as the fail safe timer goes off. Remember “Point Break”? Well she must have gotten greedy, or maybe she had some trouble with the lock, because she was in her room just long enough for me to snap out of my “proud moment” and into my “what the hell is she up to moment”.

She came bouncing out of her room with a big smile, “Ok, I’m ready to go”. As she moved to the front door, I walked straight to her room to check out the situation. All seemed to be in place. Except….. “No! She couldn’t have! Could she?” Max, who I had placed on the bed, was suspiciously missing.

As I came out of her room, she had come back to see why I didn’t follow her out the front door. I said “OK, let’s go”. As we walked out the front door I said
“wow, your backpack is really full, what do you have in there?”
“Oh, that’s just my books and stuff from when we went to Colorado” She explained
“Oh yeah, we should get some of that stuff out of there to make it easier to carry.” I responded.

We walked a little further.
“You don’t have a stuffed animal in that backpack do you?”
“No” she responded, insulted at the accusation
“Are you sure?” I asked again

At this point, I could see her mind calculating the scenarios that might play out with different responses. She must have knew she was dead in the water.
“OK, you caught me, I have Max with me”.

I remained calm. I was hurt that she would lie to me, it was the first time that she had lied so blatantly. Then again, I felt a strange feeling of wanting to be in the moment. I felt a feeling much like being present when a child speaks their first words or walks for the first time.

The waterworks then began as she cried and begged me not to tell “Mommy and Grammy”. I remained calm and told her that the family would know about it and she would get her punishment later that night when I had a chance to talk it over with Heather. She then told me that I was "not part of the family since my last name was not the same” OUCH, that hurt.

While discussing it with Heather I felt that the punishment should be 1 week with no TV and 1 week with no stuffed animals to play with. Heather thought that was a little too tuff, since the stuffed animals were her security. We agreed on no sweets for a week instead of taking her stuffed animals away. There were some other things that she had to do as well.

That night she crawled into bed and we were to discuss the "charges" and "sentencing" for her "crimes". They broke down like this.

1) One count of "Sneaking with the intent to deceive"
2) One count of "lying with the intent to get away with something"
3) Three counts of "saying lots of bad things to hurt my feelings)
4) One count of "throwing a tantrum"

She seemed pretty calm considering she was about to be sentenced. "Do you have anything to say before we give you your punishment" I said. She looked like we were about to tell her a surprise; Almost smug about it. "Nope" she said.

I proceeded "for the count of sneaking to get away with something i sentence you to no sweets for a week". She squinted as if to say that's it. "OK". Heather an I looked at each other. I could tell that she was getting mad at Micaela's reaction. Heather just started pulling stuffed animals off of her bed and said "no stuffed animals for a week either!". That did it. Micaela started crying instantly. We felt better now that we were on the right track.

"On the count of lying with the intent to deceive, no TV for a week." Another loud yet of agony came from her little mouth. She was in full crying hysteria now.

"On the counts of saying lots of mean things to me, you will write a letter of apology to me". She nodded slightly through the tears.

"On the count of throwing a tantrum, the charges have been dropped due to an insanity plea." She had no idea what I was talking about, but it was fun for me.

She cried for about an hour until she fell asleep. Don't feel sorry for Ms. Soze, she will strike again. There are many more capers for her to plan. The teenage years alone will keep me busy.