Childhood---I was fifteen when they told me to make it on my own...  − 1 February, 1993

It started because I needed escape from the pressures of daily life...today, I can understand that much about my lost teenaged self. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand my reasons for doing any of the things I was doing then; all I knew was that there was an emptiness inside of me that hurt more than anything in this world, and I wanted so desperately to make it stop that I was willing to do anything. That is what led to my taking money in small bits and pieces from my parents stash in their bedroom...money bought drugs, and drugs made it feel better, even if only for a short while. I never took much, twenty dollars here, forty there...if you added it all up, I think it probably totalled $120-$140 dollars. To a fifteen year old girl, however, that equates to a small fortune. For my parents, the amounts stolen were well into the $280-$360 range because, unbeknowst to all of us back then, my sister was stealing from the stash as well.

My sister, however, being the first child and always keeping her escapades quiet while I broadcast mine to the world, remained blameless in my parents eyes. As such, I was blamed with the missing money in it's entirety while my sister's image remained unscathed. My parents, feeling that something had to be done about this matter to teach me a lesson, promptly took me to the police station and charged me with theft under. I remember still the police coming to me as I sat in that little room in the back of the station, trying so hard to fight back tears and play the cool tough kid. The lady officer put her arm around my shoulders, and told me quietly that she has to search me, that it was procedure. She felt the bag of mary jane in my pocket, I know she did because I felt her fingers caress it as she did her duty. For whatever reason, though, she refused to take it out of my pocket and charge me with possession, so she left me with it. Looking back, I think that action was as a result of two things: a) she felt immensely sorry for me, something I had seen in her eyes the very instant she walked into the room, and b) I think she figured I'd been through enough already, and probably needed a good joint after all I'd endured.

The male cop that then entered the room urged me to call a lawyer, telling me that he didn't want to put me in lock up because I wasn't that kind of kid. Not understanding why demanding a lawyer would prevent that from happening, I took his advice none the less, and walked out of the police station roughly an hour after being brought there. Before I left the station, the female officer that had left me with my only solace in life approached me. I remember thinking she'd changed her mind, and was going to charge me with possession after all. Instead, she hugged me tight, and said; "I can't imagine the betrayal and hurt you must be feeling right now, kiddo. You may not understand this right now, but your parents are the real bad guys in this situation. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I want you to do me a big favor, okay?" I nodded numbly, no longer able to hold back the tears I'd been supressing in the little room in back. She handed me a card with her name on it, "I want you to call me if you're in trouble, and I want you to promise me that before you do anything stupid to find a place to stay for the night, okay? I'm not your enemy, and I won't throw you in jail for calling, kiddio. I just...I'm so sorry." I remember seeing that her eyes were brimming with tears, and wondering what she meant by "find a place to stay for the night." Wasn't I going home to stay the night? It was right after this that I noticed my parents were gone, and so was their car. Panic set in, and I stood in the parking lot of the police station biting my bottom lip, wondering what on earth I was going to do.

The lady officer came outside, asking me if I needed a ride anywhere. I numbly nodded yes, and told her that my parents had left, I needed a ride home. I remember her putting a hand on my shoulder, propping the door of the station open and shouting something inside. "Do you have friends that live in the area of your parents house? Friends that would maybe let you stay with them for the night?" I nodded, completely unsure of whether or not I really did have friends whose parents would allow such a thing. The lady officer took me to her police car and told me to hop in the back, explaining that only officers could ride up front, that it was procedure. I did as I was told, and she drove me home.

Still thinking that some mistake had been made here, I rang the bell at home, waiting to be let in. My mother came to the door and asked me what I was doing there. I explained myself, telling her that I hadn't been kept at the police station; that I was home. A dark cloud passed over her face, and anger lit her eyes up like something inside her head had turned on a fireplace stoked only by fierce hatred. "This is not your home anymore. Your father and I are taking out a restraining order on you, so you go or we're going to call the police and they will pick you up and take you to jail!" Thinking back on the nice police officers that had regarded me with nothing but pity mixed with sorrow, I nodded and asked her to call them. "I like them." I said, quite simply. "They were really nice to me." Apparently the wrong thing to say, because it earned me a slap across the face. "You get out!!" Mother yelled, leaving me bewildered and more than a little ashamed. I wasn't in, how could I get out? "Where am I supposed to go? It's freezing outside!" and it was too, the weather was minus 21 degree celcius, minus 30 with the wind chill. The fire was blazing in her eyes now, and Dad had magically appeared behind her.

"They didn't keep her!!" My mother wailed this sentence like a battle cry. "I can't believe this!!" I remember thinking that she was far from the only one present that couldn't believe what was transpiring here. "Dad?" my eyes were pleading now, cold wind freezing my fingers and whipping through the light jacket I had on. "What's going on?" My father explained it all to me then, how they had decided I was too much trouble for them to handle, how they expected the police to detain me, and since they hadn't done this, I had to find my own place to stay for the night. I was shocked, and so hurt that I just went numb and asked the only question that I could think of at the time. "Can I at least get my warm coat and mitts then?" Dad started to agree to that, but Mother Dearest cut him off at the pass. "We paid for those things," she said, in a voice dripping with complete hatred. "You are NOT taking things we paid for out of this house. In fact, you can give me the jacket you're wearing!" She moved to take it, and Dad stopped her with his arm. "It's very cold out there, love," his voice had taken on a pleading tone now, "just let her get her warm coat and mitts." But mother was having none of it, and insisted upon taking the light jacket I had on, my only thin means of protection from the elements. I tried to fight her, backing away from the doorstep, falling off the porch in the process and cracking my head on the concrete. My eyes were seeing stars, and Mother took this moment of weakness as an opening, seizing her opportunity to neatly unzip my jacket and wriggle it off of my arms.

The cold wind immediately bit my bare arms, and I remember wishing I had worn a sweater instead of my favorite short sleeved t-shirt. Still dazed from my fall, I stood up shakily, holding my head with my teeth chattering. My father was still pleading with Mother, but I knew that it would do him no good. Mother wore the pants in our family. Once she had made up her evil little mind about something, there was no turning back. Pride wouldn't allow her to admit that she was ever wrong. I pulled my hands and arms into my shirt, tucked my head down, and started walking away from the house, totally defeated. A light snow had begun, and the cold in the air was enough to make me wish I had never set foot on my parents doorstep; at least that way, I'd still have my light coat.

Not knowing what to do with myself, I headed down the street, hoping to find someone kind enough to put me up for a short while. My feet found themselves heading towards an old friends house, my friend had gone to Montreal by that time, but her parents were nice people, and maybe they'd help me. I rang the bell, and Tina's mother answered. Tina's mother was a beautiful woman, with long blonde hair and a slim figure. The instant she saw me, her eyes grew wide with horror, and she ushered me into the house immediately. "My GOD, honey...what were you doing outside in a t-shirt in this weather?" I told her the story of what had just happened, no longer able to hold back my tears of humiliation, hurt and utter terror. Her eyes grew wide with both rage and horror. Her husband, my friend's step dad, took me outside into the garage for a cigarette, handing me one of Tina's old winter parka's in the process. "You can keep that," he told me gruffly, ruffling my hair like I was his own daughter.

We talked about a lot of things that night, how difficult it was living with my mother, how hard it was to hear that they didn't want me anymore...all of it came spilling out of my mouth to this man who had shown me humanity and compassion. When I had finished telling my story, smoking ten cigarettes in the process, I realized that Tina's mother had come outside into the heated garage to listen, and her eyes glistened with tears. "What do we do?" She asked this of her husband, who had stood shaking his head throughout my story. "Well...we can't try talking her parents into taking her back, Christine. They aren't the best place for her, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be responsible for this kid freezing to death during the night because her mother figured on throwing her outside without a coat again!" Then he turned to me, "Do you go to church? Like, does your family take you to a church on Sundays?" I nodded yes, and he seemed pleased with that; turning back to his wife, he explained, "We call the minister of her church, Chris. The church'll help her, for sure. First off, though...have you eaten kiddo?" (Calling me kiddo seemed the thing that day.) I shook my head no, and he shook his head as if to say, "I can't believe this situation. I just can't believe it." "Right," he was talking to me again, and I looked into his eyes, "we're gonna feed you first then. After that, you're gonna call your minister and see what he can do for you."

At the time, our minister was actually two people, a husband and wife team. I nodded my head and explained that there were two ministers, a man and a woman, as though that somehow changed the situation. I felt completely hopeless, and doubted the ability of the church to save me from the fate of freezing to death outside that night. None the less, I forced myself to eat something for supper, thanking Chris and her husband over and over again. When the meal was finished, I had my smoke with Tina's stepdad, and tried to hold back tears unsuccessfully. He looked at me then, and said something that has stayed with me all these 13 and a half years later. "Kiddo, you have a choice to make right now, you understand that?" I nodded, though I had no clue what the hell he was talking about. "No you don't," he said, like he was reading my mind. "But you will...in time, you will. See, your parents are not people that are emotionally available enough to help you right now. It ain't fair, and it ain't right, but that doesn't change the fact that it is, see?" Again, I nodded. "Okay, so here's the thing...they did you a favor tonight, kiddo. Honest to God, they did you one huge favor. Now, the way I see it, your mother is one sad, bitter, mean person, ya know? So, because that's who she is, she's gotta make other people feel just as bad right along with her. You were trapped in that, and so you started to feel bad about yourself, feel like you were no damn good at all...ain't that right?" My eyes were filled with tears now, as I nodded again, wondering how this man could know so much about me and my family. "Right, so now, see...now you have the opportunity to be whatever you want to be, without having to conform to her misery. It's like this...sometimes God gives us something that looks like a burden, ya know? But when you look at it for a while there, you realize that it's really the greatest gift in the whole wide world. Make sense?" I shook my head no, because it didn't make sense. How could being thrown out in the cold and told you weren't wanted by your parents be a positive? "Of course you don't" he continued, cheerfully unphased, "it's too soon yet for you to know. Soon enough though, you'll figure it and then you'll be happy, probably for the first time in your life, kiddo. Life is a hard journey, kid. Hard and rough, something that forces you to get your hands dirty and your spirit a little busted up. Thing is, when you realize that, you start to see that it's the whole point, getting busted up a little and learning to deal with it, that's the whole fucking point! So, I'm gonna tell you what you're gonna do here. You're gonna call your ministers, and you're gonna tell them the story true, got it?" I nodded again, "Good! Then, once you've gone and done that, they're gonna pull you out of this mess and they're gonna find you a home that shows you real love, and makes you feel whole again, see? And I'll tell you something else, kid. Many times in life, you're gonna find yourself thinking 'shit, I can't do this...I ain't that strong.' But you'll come through it and realize you are, you are that strong, and nothing and nobody can keep you down no more. God don't give you more than you can handle, darlin'...He just don't. This here, tonight...well, this is a gift. You don't see that right now, but that's what it is. Alright, now...you're done smoking? Good...lets go and get this mother done then."

And that's exactly what I did. I called and I cried to the lady minister, told her that I didn't have a place to live anymore, that I was scared, that my mother had gone and taken my jacket and I didn't have anywhere to go tonight. She listened, and tried her damnest to be impartial, but I could hear disgust in her voice when I got to the part about Mother waiting till I fell and pulling me out of my jacket. After it was all over and done with, she told me to hang on by the phone, and she'd see what she could do. About twenty minutes later, she called back to tell me that she'd found a lady named Kathy to take me in. She'd be to Tina's parents house in about fifteen minutes to pick me up and take me to her. I felt elated, and I felt saved. For the first time in my life, I felt redemption was possible, and it could be mine. Tina's stepdad and I went out for one last smoke, and I cried, thanking him again and again. He didn't say much during those last fifteen minutes we had together. He just smiled at me, and said, real gentle like "I told you, kiddo...it's a gift. It's Chris's and my gift too...because we got to help you tonight. Thank you for coming to us." I felt like I hadn't heard him right, and told him no, it was them that deserved all the thanks. He smiled again, "We couldn't help Tina," he said, calmly but with tears starting to glisten in his eyes a little bit; "but tonight, Chris and I got to help you start a brand new chapter, away from all the bullshit and abuse. That's special for us, kiddo. Real special. So thank you for giving us the opportunity to do that for you. It's a gift for us as much as it is for you."

I went to Kathy's that night with my minister, and found her waiting for me with a warm hug and a bowl of homemade soup. Never in my life had I felt so welcome and so wanted at any place on the earth, and when she showed me my room, and told me that I'd be living there for a good long time, to think of this place as my home, I cried so hard I thought my head would explode. Tina's stepdad was right, this was, indeed, a new chapter of my life. A safe place with love instead of anger, and compassion instead of accusing. I felt asleep thanking God, something I hadn't done in a good many years.

I didn't know then how things would end with my parents. I didn't know that I'd be given false hope, only to have it dashed, despite my best efforts. Nor did I know that my peaceful sanctuary would be ripped apart by a man I scarce knew, and that it would happen as a result of my laughter...something I didn't think I'd ever enjoy again. Never did I suspect that I would be in a position whereby I'd see promises made and promises broken; promises made by my parents in the hopes that I would be unable to hold up my end of the bargain, and broken because, despite their doubt, I had done just that. I had no clue how much my own parents, the two people that are supposed to love you more than anything or anyone in this world, didn't want me anymore. I found all this out, though...a very short time later, when the world started to come crashing down for the second time in as many months.

Comments:

san (September 6, 2006. 02:49pm)

liked it..nice narration