This one is going to be a doozy. I'm compressing years into two entries (one from 1987-early 1990, the other 1990-1994) for ease of flow, for simplicity and because somehow it looks better if I have a couple entries about a person who sucked the very life out of me instead of multiple entries that point out that fact. I will thank you in advance for reading, so please bear with me. I will also apologize for the length as I know this will be long.
I met Tim my freshman year of high school. Oddly, he had been in a class with my sister sometime in elementary school. So, when I met him, I had already remembered him...plus he lived right around the corner from me so I'd undoubtedly seen him before. Tim had dated one of my friends early freshman year, so I became friends through that experience. As things soured between them, I became better friends with him, not so much with her. I was somewhat involved with a boy at the time, so Tim and I were purely platonic. As the boy and I went our separate ways, Tim was there as a friend. By January, I was hanging around the basketball at lunch watching him play. By the end of February, he had started giving me hints he liked me as more than a friend. He officially declared his "like" for me in March and we started "going out" (I hate that term...it's very poorly used).
Tim would come over and we'd play basketball in my driveway or we'd watch it on TV. We talked on the phone a lot and got to know each other better. He told me he loved me about a month later. Me, being the worldly 15 year old that I was, declared my love. I went to a couple youth groups at his church and met his family (his sister's name was also Robyn...spelled the same way).
In about June, we started headed down a more serious route. I'm sure I was happy at the time, now I can think about how dumb I was. I was babysitting at the time and he traveled a bit with his youth group, so when he came back, he decided our lives were busy and we needed to break up. He was getting ready to head into his senior year and he didn't want to be tied down, etc. I was crushed. At the same time, however, I was getting mixed signals. He would still call and drive by my house every day and honk as he passed.
In August, he started with band and I started volleyball. So, even though we had broke up and still talked, we really didn't see much until we were both active again at school. When I would arrive at school each morning, he would be standing right outside the band hall, waiting as I walked by and headed to the trainer's office. He started telling his friends we were going to get married and have a baby. I, of course, was confused but giddy.
Tim started coming by the house more. Since school hadn't started, we often sat outside late at night. Despite our non-relationship status, we would make out and eventually, started experimenting sexually. I was a virgin, as was he, so we never got further that summer, but we weren't too far from it.
School started and it was a very annoying time. Tim was quick to point out we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend. I guess he figured I'd be all over him his glorious senior year. He was just turning 18 and I was still a lowly 15 year old. I was pretty pissed because up until that point, I had done more with him than anyone and here I was being told to go away. I was angry and I felt used. The red flag, you would think, would have been enough to make me just stop and move on. But no, it didn't. For every moment he was there saying we were "just friends", there were two he was telling me he wanted me and that he didn't want me dating anyone else. Some guy from my biology class flirted with me in the halls quite often and Tim threatened him. All this time, however, he was rather flirty with this one girl in band. Again, red flag, but not enough for me. He still drove by my house everyday, and there I was eager for him to do so.
Sometime by the end of September, we decided to get back together. I was ecstatic. I went to all the football games to watch him perform in the band and I'd watch him play basketball at lunch. I was in cloud nine at that point. We drove to Las Cruces for a band performance in early October and came back to my house afterward. We were very near to having sex but decided not to. At the time, we were both very reluctant to take that step because we didn't want to have sex before being married. We didn't listen to ourselves very well, though.
A couple weeks later, October 27th to be exact, I lost my virginity to Tim (story to be posted later). It was both wonderful and terrifying at the same time. The experience itself wasn't all that great, but at that time in my life, I felt I loved Tim more than just about anyone so it made our relationship feel complete.
Having sex both ruined and strengthened our relationship. I know, weird. On one hand, the guilt was tearing us apart but at the same time, that guilt bonded us. We didn't stop having sex (I guess we figured we'd already started so why stop) which just made the cycle continue. As the case is with most sexual relationships, though, we became more intimate and that part drew me closer to him in ways I couldn't even imagine.
I know this sounds all very fairy-tale like (not necessarily the tale but the perspective), but I was 15 and I was stupid. Tim and I were rarely apart outside of school and I was definite that this would be the love of my life. The first of the year came and went. I would go to all of Tim's basketball games and after each game. Valentine's Day came and we got in a huge fight. Within a week, it was obvious we were done. We could not repair our relationship. By this point, he had already started pushing away anyway, saying he would be headed off to college soon anyway. That fight and what you would think would be a natural conclusion to a relationship still wasn't enough to sever ties. We had sex again a couple weeks later. I had a pregnancy scare and it was a frightening time for us. Once it was official I wasn't pregnant, he moved on. I didn't. I had a terrible time getting focused back on school. My grades had slipped and I had a few emotional outbursts at school; one time even punching a locker and giving my hand some wonderful bruises. Tim started dating a senior and I was devastated. I was angry and tried to just avoid him at school.
Within a month, he was driving by my house again, honking. He started coming by again. I was so screwed up. I had lost weight and I looked like shit. Tim's graduation approached and he sent me an invitation. I went to his graduation and it was awful. It felt like an end to a very important part of my life. Tim came by after graduation and we talked for awhile. A few days later, he came over and we started out playing basketball but by the end of the night, we were having sex.
At that point, I thought we'd go through this yo-yo time and end up together again. Well, that did not happen. Tim stopped calling and coming by. Period. He started dating some girl he had met a couple years prior. I was so angry and hurt, yet again. I tried to move on, though. I met Chris a month later and by the end of the year, was pregnant with Brittany.
In those six months, I had not seen or talked to Tim. It was nice. I still loved him, but it was nice to not have that constant drama. Chris had moved away and had already disappeared from our lives the day I walked into a comic book shop, looking for a picture of a cartoon character I wanted to put on my letter jacket. Tim happened to be working at that store. I couldn't believe it. We talked and things were awkward but OK.
I went to the store a few times after that and finally decided to call Tim and tell him I was pregnant. I hadn't started showing and I somehow felt I should at least tell him so it didn't seem like I was hiding it from him. Obviously, I didn't have any responsibility to tell him, but for some reason felt I should. It was just about one of the hardest things I've had to do. When I told Tim, he cried. It was heartbreaking. He felt responsible for me being pregnant because of how our relationship ended. He also felt it should have been him. I don't think I'd ever heard an adult male cry until that day.
