After I told Tim I was pregnant, he remarkably was still around. He was either still dating the same girl or had started again (hmmm...pattern, ya think?) She wasn't too happy with us becoming friends again. Tim would come over and visit and during that time, was actually very supportive. We didn't get romantically involved, but he kissed me a couple times. As Brittany's birth neared, Tim asked me what I was going to do about her name/birth certificate, etc. I had told him I had already talked to the hospital and county clerk's office and with Chris being 2,000 miles away and us not being married, I couldn't put Chris on the birth certificate (at least not without an affidavit or paternity paperwork). So, her certificate would basically be left blank in the father area or the hospital said they'd put father unknown. Tim was horribly upset by this and in a shocking turn, he asked me to name him as the father and he'd sign. I refused initially. He eventually pursuaded me to let him. He again reminded me he felt responsible for me being in this situation in the first place and that he should have been the father. Looking back, that was probably the sole unselfish thing Tim ever did. Despite my hard feelings for him later, I have always been grateful he would do something like this. I don't know many men who would place themselves with that kind of potential liability, but I appreciated the gesture (and still do).
Brittany was born and sure enough, Tim was there. He visited me the two days I was in the hospital and he signed the birth certificate. The day we came home, Tim came over with a stuffed animal and a New Mommy coffee cup (which I still have, actually). Tim had told his girlfriend about the whole thing and she was not thrilled. They ended up breaking up shortly after that. By October, I was started dating a guy from school. Tim was annoyed and repeatedly told me to dump him. Tim and still talked though and he often stopped by and it seemed he came by most often right before I'd say I had plans to date. I guess he was "marking his territory."
After being pressured by the boyfriend to have sex and saying no, we broke up. Tim told me how happy he was and that he wanted to start over. We talked and saw each other for a couple months and then all of the sudden, he decides he's going to move to Midland to work in a teen outreach program. We'd go a couple months not talking and then all of the sudden I'd get tons of calls and letters, with him saying how much he missed me and loved me. When he moved back, he said he wanted to go to the police academy and when he was done with that, he wanted us to move in together.
After several months of him away, he did move back. He did apply for the PD, but his bad knee kept him from passing a physical. We did start back up our relationship, though. It was fairly intense at the beginning. Tim constantly talked about our future and he seemed very intent on us moving in together and then getting married. Of course, at the time, I was gung-ho and very excited. We had started having sex again and that part of the relationship was just as intense. When we were younger, it was a more timid experience. This time around was crazy. We were constantly having sex. I'm sure at the time I was happy to have that connection, but looking back, it makes me sad to think that sex was probably the only thing holding us together at that point. He hadn't been with anyone else since we had broke up the first time and I think I felt I had to do whatever necessary to hold on to him.
Our relationship came to a halt in December. I don't even recall if there was one defining moment that made it stop or if it just ran its course. I was hurt because all along, we had started making plans to look for an apartment and then, nothing. Once again, I felt used and angry. I swore I would never have anything to do with Tim again.
Sadly, I was a glutton for punishment and we resumed our friendship about seven months later. I was engaged at the time, albeit unhappily. Tim knew I was involved, but as usual, he pushed and when we spoke, he would rehash all our "good times". I didn't love the man I was engaged to and with Tim right around the corner, that relationship finally ended.
Tim and I continued talking and he would come see me at school. I was stupidly hoping our relationship would resume. In June 93, we had a few discussions about being together again, followed by one more sexual encounter. That encounter and one call were my last contacts with Tim for a very long time. I was angry once again. At that point, I just couldn't let go and realize our "relationship" had ended several years before and new involvement was just opening a wound. I had called Tim to get some items returned and his mother told me he had moved to Wyoming. I was shocked.
I had started dating someone at the the end of '93 and in March '94 we broke up. I went to a bar with some friends, a couple who were mutual friends of Tim and I. Tim's name came up and one guy asked "Didn't you hear? Tim got married in January." I started bawling. I felt like I could vomit right then. Yes, we hadn't spoken in months but somewhere in my mind, I felt like he would pop up one day. I had, in many ways, moved on, but not enough to hear he'd got married.
The next couple months were bad ones. I was hurting and angry and I did lots of stupid things. I entered into ill-advised, self-destructive encounters. My feelings towards myself at that point in my life were very low. Because of the nature of my relationship with Tim, I felt like all I had to offer was sex and that was all I was good for. During that time, I was a cold, heartless bitch. I hurt some people I shouldn't have. Thank God I met Steve when I did, he was probably my saving grace.
I didn't talk to Tim again until 2000. Steve and I had finally saved enough money so we could start the adoption process for Brittany. I had to contact Tim so he could waive his parental rights since he was on the birth certificate. It was an awkward conversation, although we were both cordial. I sent him the necessary paperwork and a letter, thanking him for making that gesture and being there for me during that time. I haven't talked to him since.
After Steve and I met, I finally started feeling worthy. It probably took another year to really get over Tim fully. I'd like to say what we had was a quaint, childhood crush and that my teenage love was just that, a teen love affair. It was more than that, though. That relationship shaped me in ways, some good, some bad. Unfortunately, at times, it defined me. Would I change having that relationship? Part of me says yes because it screwed me up pretty bad. For the most part, though, I believe all the experiences we have in life make us who we are and although there may be unpleasant ones, they are opportunities to learn, love and grow.
