I Wish I Was Emotionally Strong Enough  − 31 March, 2001

     I slipped and fallen again...Thomas came over for a visit, but it turned into intimate moments of lovemaking....at least for me it was lovemaking...I'm sure it was just sex for Thomas, but I do miss him...and my nights have been so long and lonely since we broke up....I know I can't let him keep coming by like this...I have to be strong and turn him away...I can't give in any more....He's taking advantage of me, I just know he is...I don't think he has changed much....He says he has....I just can't go down that road again with him...It took me 3 years to get him out of my life...It shouldn't have lasted that long...but I thought I could help him by giving him my love and support, but he rather drink, argue and beat me...The first time he put me in the hospital I should have ended it...But as always my heart is forgiving and his sorrys' seemed to work...We're so good together when he's being good....But ever since he was let go from the police force, he's just been so angry at the world...He really has damaged my trust issues with men...and has put fear in me, to ever find somebody new...I have to stand my ground....I think he might want to move back in with me and give our relationship another chance....But honestly he ran out of chances years ago....God I wish I didn't love him so....  I must not let my heart come over my mind.