It's been so long it's hard to remember. A. had been a friend in the periphery who I had known since 1994 or thereabouts. I met her through Philip, who ran a newspaper at FSU. Anyway, we started hanging out more and more and I would hear about her dating this guy and that guy, and she'd hear about my female interests as well. She finally got a job in Atlanta and moved away. Well, one night she came back to Tallahassee to visit us and she made plans to stay at my place. A bunch of my friends and her went to see Man Or Astroman? at the Cowhaus. Great show, great night. We slept in my very small bed and in all honesty it was my intention to keep it platonic, but that bed was SO small and apparently she had other plans. At my age now, I realize how naive I was back then. Wow. We joked about how we couldn't sleep, so we made a deal that we could basically snuggle, my right arm under her, her right arm and head over my chest. I said something stupid like "no hanky panky now!" and she said "you don't trust me?" I reply, after a long pause, "No I don't". Another long pause, and she says "do you want to kiss me?" And then I say "Sure". Yep, how romantic: SURE. She laughed for several months after that, but she still made me her boyfriend. Haha.
The next morning, she claimed that I was playing my guitar on the bed and when she got up to put her arms around me, I actually tried to move away. I honestly don't remember. If I saw someone actually do that, I would think it's weird, so I don't blame her thinking that was weird that I would shirk away. But I don't remember doing that. Perhaps my subconscious knew more than I was willing to believe because I do remember that a few months into the relationship, I didn't feel the same way she did. She would remind me of things we had done together when were just friends, and she would then say that she had hoped I would have kissed her then, "remember that night we hung out with the folks at Silver Lake and you dropped me off and gave me a big hug? I really wanted to kiss you!", but it never had come to that. The fact that in certain situations, even though it may have crossed my mind (because hey, I'm a guy), I didn't actually try to intimate interest or try to sneak a kiss, pretty much speaks for itself. To be honest, I had always thought I was not in her league, so I kinda just turned off any interest... which leads full circle to us snuggled up in bed and I'm thinking nothing is going to happen here! But then she makes me her boyfriend, and I just kinda go along with it. Here's this girl who all the guys want, and I'm WISHING I could fall in love with her. And like many things, I let things go on and on until they self-destruct and I then wish I had what I had after it's too late. She even would say things like "Sometimes I think you may be the one" and it didn't scare me. Maybe this is how it's supposed to feel if it's right? I eventually tell her I love her, and I really did at that point, but I don't think I was ever IN LOVE. So finally, she, who fell in love with me, ends up dumping me.
Definitely learned a lot there. I hear she's now married.
The next morning, she claimed that I was playing my guitar on the bed and when she got up to put her arms around me, I actually tried to move away. I honestly don't remember. If I saw someone actually do that, I would think it's weird, so I don't blame her thinking that was weird that I would shirk away. But I don't remember doing that. Perhaps my subconscious knew more than I was willing to believe because I do remember that a few months into the relationship, I didn't feel the same way she did. She would remind me of things we had done together when were just friends, and she would then say that she had hoped I would have kissed her then, "remember that night we hung out with the folks at Silver Lake and you dropped me off and gave me a big hug? I really wanted to kiss you!", but it never had come to that. The fact that in certain situations, even though it may have crossed my mind (because hey, I'm a guy), I didn't actually try to intimate interest or try to sneak a kiss, pretty much speaks for itself. To be honest, I had always thought I was not in her league, so I kinda just turned off any interest... which leads full circle to us snuggled up in bed and I'm thinking nothing is going to happen here! But then she makes me her boyfriend, and I just kinda go along with it. Here's this girl who all the guys want, and I'm WISHING I could fall in love with her. And like many things, I let things go on and on until they self-destruct and I then wish I had what I had after it's too late. She even would say things like "Sometimes I think you may be the one" and it didn't scare me. Maybe this is how it's supposed to feel if it's right? I eventually tell her I love her, and I really did at that point, but I don't think I was ever IN LOVE. So finally, she, who fell in love with me, ends up dumping me.
Definitely learned a lot there. I hear she's now married.
Comments:
Oblivious (July 7, 2007. 12:31am)
Back in '97 I still thought girls were the devil. I finally learned that they are, in fact, the devil.