21 Year-Old Pictures In My Head and Family Drama − 12 May, 2007
My cousin Matt got married on this day. It was a great time and very weird at the same time.
A little background:
My dad's parents (Zimmermans) were never around for me. Maybe I had high expectations because my mom's parents (Walt and Mae) came to everything I was involved in and they were the type of people that showed their love for you every time you visited them and they made sure that all grandchildren were loved equally. Figures, my moms parents are both dead. Back to the Zimmerman's: I would invite them to my everything, recitals, talent shows where I sang, and plays when I was involved in the theatre and they would tell me they wouldn't miss it for the world, then never show up. They only lived 15 minutes away. Yet my mom's parents that lived a half hour away would come to everything. See, maybe I had super expectations.
The Zimmerman family home was always different for me. All the grandkids would get yelled at for being in the way. There was obvious favoritism shown openly. Like them getting my cousin Shaun, who's one year behind me, Transformer action figures and my grandmother knitting me a sweater that took her 2 hours. I would always put my sweater away quickly and run to Shaun and we'd play all day with his Transformers yet they never learned.
There were many other things that made me realize, from the age of twelve, that my grandparents just weren't that into me and I went through phases of not even wanting to be around them. My parent's, especially my mom who I found out was not treated kindly at all by my dad's mom, would try to explain how it was unfair of me to say how I wished they would die already. Everyone always assumes, when I tell them the story of my grandparents that my parents spoke badly about them and it rubbed off on me. That is the farthest from the truth. Now that I'm older, my parents and I openly talk about the fact that half of my dad's 7 siblings don't have a relationship with his parents because of the way they are. It's nice to know I was not alone. I just wish someone could have told me that sooner. :)
Anyway back to the wedding:
Matt and Shaun are brothers and my closest cousins and I hadn't seen them since I was 13, mainly because they live in Delaware, but like many of my other cousins, we don't go to grandma and grandpas house for Christmas anymore since they moved to Florida one day and called everyone when they settled in and told them that they sold the house in Pa and moved to Florida saying, "We just had to get away from all the Sunday visits from our kids." (I'm doing it again :) )
My dad's brothers Keith (Aunt Terry), Paul (Aunt Julie) were there along with his sisters, Kim (Shaun and Matt's mom), Donna, and Candy. My grandparents were there too, but they really didn't speak to my mom my dad and I. Although my grandfather did come up to my dad and mentioned that he received our Save the Date card for my wedding in November of this year and said the following, not to me, but my dad (reminder, they haven't spoken in about 6 years):
My Grandfather: "Hey, I don't know about the Wisconsin wedding, it's so far away and I'm not sure if we can swing it."
My Dad: "That's okay, we know it's out of your way."
My Grandfather: "Are you two (you and your wife) going?"
My Dad: "Umm, yeah, we wouldn't miss it for the world."
This conversation went on right in front of me. He didn't tell me, he told someone in front of me. And yes, you read it right, he asked my father if he was going to go to his only son's wedding. This is kind of a clue to let you to know what kind of people they are.
Anyway, I saw cousins that I haven't seen since they were crawling and eating from a bottle. My one cousin Leann, who I haven't seen since she was unable to talk had an in depth discussion about Politics with me after the reception. I was blown away and a little freaked out that she had grown up so fast in my mind.
Time flies and people grow up. and I had these 21 year old pictures of how everyone was supposed to look and I imagined Leann being about 14 instead of 24 and drinking beer. My uncles are all greying and even my grandparents, who used to scare me because they were so much larger than me and intimidating, are getting very old and thin.
I really had issues coming to this wedding just because of my grandparents and having to see them again. I can honestly say that the only reason I invited them to my wedding is because I knew people would be talking about it with them and they'd love to say that I didn't invite them, then I would look like the bad guy. Chris tried to talk to me about it and make me the bigger person by being cordial and thank God for her. All in all, to honor my Grandpa Walt, I treated my Zimmerman grandparents like my Grandpa would have if he were alive:
Be nice, say, "Hi" and smile graciously, but don't feel like you have to go out of your way and talk to them.
I did that and I think I spoke 6 words to both of them. I felt kind of bad when they were sitting alone at a big table and a lot of people were at the table I was sitting at. I looked over and thought to myself, "You end up with what you deserve in this life" and then I thought of how much I miss Walt and Mae.
I once worried about how my feelings bothered my dad, but I have since found out that he doesn't really want or need a relationship with them and has talked to many professionals about this and has learned that it's okay. Both my parents have tried to be good people and continue trying but there has just been too much to handle.
A little background:
My dad's parents (Zimmermans) were never around for me. Maybe I had high expectations because my mom's parents (Walt and Mae) came to everything I was involved in and they were the type of people that showed their love for you every time you visited them and they made sure that all grandchildren were loved equally. Figures, my moms parents are both dead. Back to the Zimmerman's: I would invite them to my everything, recitals, talent shows where I sang, and plays when I was involved in the theatre and they would tell me they wouldn't miss it for the world, then never show up. They only lived 15 minutes away. Yet my mom's parents that lived a half hour away would come to everything. See, maybe I had super expectations.
The Zimmerman family home was always different for me. All the grandkids would get yelled at for being in the way. There was obvious favoritism shown openly. Like them getting my cousin Shaun, who's one year behind me, Transformer action figures and my grandmother knitting me a sweater that took her 2 hours. I would always put my sweater away quickly and run to Shaun and we'd play all day with his Transformers yet they never learned.
There were many other things that made me realize, from the age of twelve, that my grandparents just weren't that into me and I went through phases of not even wanting to be around them. My parent's, especially my mom who I found out was not treated kindly at all by my dad's mom, would try to explain how it was unfair of me to say how I wished they would die already. Everyone always assumes, when I tell them the story of my grandparents that my parents spoke badly about them and it rubbed off on me. That is the farthest from the truth. Now that I'm older, my parents and I openly talk about the fact that half of my dad's 7 siblings don't have a relationship with his parents because of the way they are. It's nice to know I was not alone. I just wish someone could have told me that sooner. :)
Anyway back to the wedding:
Matt and Shaun are brothers and my closest cousins and I hadn't seen them since I was 13, mainly because they live in Delaware, but like many of my other cousins, we don't go to grandma and grandpas house for Christmas anymore since they moved to Florida one day and called everyone when they settled in and told them that they sold the house in Pa and moved to Florida saying, "We just had to get away from all the Sunday visits from our kids." (I'm doing it again :) )
My dad's brothers Keith (Aunt Terry), Paul (Aunt Julie) were there along with his sisters, Kim (Shaun and Matt's mom), Donna, and Candy. My grandparents were there too, but they really didn't speak to my mom my dad and I. Although my grandfather did come up to my dad and mentioned that he received our Save the Date card for my wedding in November of this year and said the following, not to me, but my dad (reminder, they haven't spoken in about 6 years):
My Grandfather: "Hey, I don't know about the Wisconsin wedding, it's so far away and I'm not sure if we can swing it."
My Dad: "That's okay, we know it's out of your way."
My Grandfather: "Are you two (you and your wife) going?"
My Dad: "Umm, yeah, we wouldn't miss it for the world."
This conversation went on right in front of me. He didn't tell me, he told someone in front of me. And yes, you read it right, he asked my father if he was going to go to his only son's wedding. This is kind of a clue to let you to know what kind of people they are.
Anyway, I saw cousins that I haven't seen since they were crawling and eating from a bottle. My one cousin Leann, who I haven't seen since she was unable to talk had an in depth discussion about Politics with me after the reception. I was blown away and a little freaked out that she had grown up so fast in my mind.
Time flies and people grow up. and I had these 21 year old pictures of how everyone was supposed to look and I imagined Leann being about 14 instead of 24 and drinking beer. My uncles are all greying and even my grandparents, who used to scare me because they were so much larger than me and intimidating, are getting very old and thin.
I really had issues coming to this wedding just because of my grandparents and having to see them again. I can honestly say that the only reason I invited them to my wedding is because I knew people would be talking about it with them and they'd love to say that I didn't invite them, then I would look like the bad guy. Chris tried to talk to me about it and make me the bigger person by being cordial and thank God for her. All in all, to honor my Grandpa Walt, I treated my Zimmerman grandparents like my Grandpa would have if he were alive:
Be nice, say, "Hi" and smile graciously, but don't feel like you have to go out of your way and talk to them.
I did that and I think I spoke 6 words to both of them. I felt kind of bad when they were sitting alone at a big table and a lot of people were at the table I was sitting at. I looked over and thought to myself, "You end up with what you deserve in this life" and then I thought of how much I miss Walt and Mae.
I once worried about how my feelings bothered my dad, but I have since found out that he doesn't really want or need a relationship with them and has talked to many professionals about this and has learned that it's okay. Both my parents have tried to be good people and continue trying but there has just been too much to handle.
Comments:
kga245 (May 22, 2007. 06:01pm)
I hear ya, Brian. You can't choose your family, as they say. Family is important - but not always for the obvious reasons. Sometimes you can learn from their mistakes. Looks like you have already.