If you've read my other stories, you know about my best friend Brian, who I've called my brother many times because he's very important to me and we've known each other for 20 years, since middle school.
In August, I did everything I could do to get back to NYC to attend his
wedding. He was a shoe-in for my best man in my upcoming November wedding.
Well, today, I received an email that said the following:
Hey Brian,
Roopa and I spoke about me coming to the wedding and im sorry that we decided it is not best for me to come in November since it will just be so close to our new baby arriving. We will also be in between trying to sell the apartment...and looking to move. Maybe all 3 of us can come to visit once the baby is a bit older...or even you and your "then wife" can come to where we might be living then.
Anyway sorry again, I'll give you a call before end of week...unless you beat me to it.
Brian
Wow, right? For anyone reading this story, his baby will be 2.5 months old by the time he would have to leave it for 3 days for my wedding. That's old enough to almost be rolling over! (That happens around 3 mths.)
I didn't know what to say, I mean am I wrong for thinking that you make things happen for the important people in your life? Big deal, they have to hold off a week or two to move, but you do what you have to do.
I basically wrote him 5 emails:
- The first bitched him out entirely, something I've never done.
- The second was slightly nicer with some barbs about me being pissed that I wasn't even asked to be an usher at his wedding.
- The third was really short and to the point
- The fourth just said, "nah, don't worry about it"
I used number 3 and finished it off with "Take Care." for the possibility of a 20 year old friendship coming to an end. He wrote back basically not understanding what my problem was. Telling me he hoped we could still keep in touch and I could accept his apology or not.
I wrote back the following:
I honestly figured when I had dinner with you that you said Roopa was due in mid-September and you’d have to see, that at 2 and half months, the baby and Roopa would be scheduled and settled enough that it wouldn’t be an issue for you to go away for 3 days (I figured Roopa wouldn’t be able to make it, but I was prepared if she wanted to). Now that I have a baby in my house and he’s 3 months old I can see that I was right.
As far as moving, that’s great and I understand it costs money and it happens to not be a very good time for you to spend the $300 on a ticket, $100 on a tux, and whatever on a hotel (I’d even put you up in my house if it got you here), but you make things happen for people that are important to you. I don’t think you understand how I had to beg my boss to get to NY for two days for me to come to your wedding in August. They ended up only paying airfare for me and my hotel on Thursday night. But I did what I had to do for you and made it happen, I wanted to be there for you and see you on the happiest day of your life. I would do the exact same thing again and with planning my wedding right now, I couldn’t afford it either.
I know you have a brother, but I never did. You are the brother to me that I never had and I love you like one. Sure, living together for a long time had an affect on us, and many friends came and went, but I still think of you as my best friend and we always had volleyball, tennis and badminton to fall back on when we really annoyed each other. Maybe since you have a brother and 2 sisters, you don’t understand that bond and I’m just a casual friend to you, but I wanted you to know how important you are to me.
I needed to vent to you because I stared at your email yesterday for about an hour and cried while writing it, before I could come up something to write back that I wouldn’t regret. I’ve done the same thing with this one, but I couldn’t just be like, “Oh, okay, no problem”, and I hope you can understand that. I will accept your apology eventually, it’s just tearing me apart thinking about having my wedding without you there with Chris and I.
I do want to keep in touch, honestly or that crap two paragraphs above means nothing, and I can’t wait to see pictures of your baby or visit you in Jacksonville or wherever you move to. I would also love to have you visit here some day and all of us could go play tennis at one of the bazillion courts around here or I could take you to open play volleyball with me.
I would really, really appreciate it if you could write something to Chris and I (I think that’s what you meant, kind of like a best man’s toast?) that we could read during the service. I just might have my dad stand up, but I’d feel weird asking him as every single person who's ever spent more than 20 minutes with me knows you ARE my best man and that they'd be second choice. The whole thing is tacky.
I’ll be fine, I’m sure. Life goes on.
Life does go on I guess, but I don't even know if I want to be best friends with a person who can't even spend a couple hundred bucks to come to my wedding. Especially since I would do anything for him and his family. The sad part is that I know his wife does not want me in his life and I'm sure she has a lot to do with this. She's never had respect for me and often put me down in front of Brian. In her eyes, I'm a fat lazy bastard, so that's bottom line for her (a 100 pound-ish vegetarian gym teacher) and his mom and dad, who used to love me like a son, but now they don't want me in his life either because I don't believe in the same religion they do.
That's amazing to me, devout Catholics casting off someone who loves them and would do anything for them, just because they may not believe in the same thing. And his family says people like me are heathens. I seriously felt like I wasn't welcome at his wedding, like I was sent an invitation but they never actually expected me to be there. I was my usual pleasant self and I can honestly say this is the first time I said these types of things publicly. I've always done my best to disprove the myth that non-catholics are moraless a-holes.
I still love him like a brother, but until he starts showing me it's a two way street, he's estranged to me. I just wish he could stand up to people in his life and I hope he does, for his sake, or he'll be one of those "Yes, dear" husbands that doesn't have his own opinion about things. Maybe it's already started.
