(Not) Scarred for Life − 1 July, 1984
Every now and then I come across a story or article about people that cut themselves -- cutters. I have never understood this. Oh, I've heard the medical/psychological reasoning behind it, but at a fundamental, personal level... I just don't get it. I'm not dismissing the seriousness of the subject; I simply don't get it.
As I read yet another story about a celebrity cutter the other day, it dawned on me that I used to do something like this myself.
Well, sort of.
I wasn't a cutter -- I was a scratcher.
What I would do is purposely scratch myself with sticks -- mostly on my arms and legs -- in the hopes that the scratches would turn into scars. (Hey, I was in fucking seventh grade, and I never said I was a genius.) I didn't do it for the pain; pain hurts. I stuck to scratching myself with sticks because that's about the extent of my pain tolerance. How the fuck can people actually take blades to themselves?!
I wanted scars because, hey, they were cool. I had a few small scars on my hands, and they made me feel like a real badass. Damn, imagine what a bunch of scars all over my arms and legs would be like?
Well, it never worked; not one single stick-inflicted scratch turned into a scar. All I got out of it was that for several days afterward, I looked like I'd been thrown into a pack of really pissed-off cats. Not something that particularly impresses friends -- even seventh graders.
Comments:
Bazookah 5 (September 12, 2007. 04:35pm)
Hey you. Wanted to know who you were.
Okay, cutters. Weeell. It just happened that My Sister was not unly a cutter but a burner too. You see, people do it because the psychological pain in so great that when they cause themselves physical pain they psycho-pain feels less painful. OR Sometimes they do it because they get so out of it by being so hurt that it makes them feel something again.
I know I used to bang my head on walls beacuse I was sad and angry and noone ever did anything about anything that was happening. So here you go. I was a banger. Hehe.
intrepideddie (September 13, 2007. 11:59am)
Oof... that's rough. I just can't imagine where you would have to be psychologically/emotionally to get to that point of purposely causing yourself physical harm. I understand it... just don't "get" it. Funny you should mention head-banging ("banger"... that's funny!) -- we have discovered that it is fairly common for toddlers to do this (especially boys); like you said, it's the only way they know how to express frustration, anger, or sadness. My son is 3 and still does it from time to time. Sure freaked us out at first...