Detachment  − 5 October, 2007

Lately, my colleagues have been an infinite source of questioning, answering, discussion, explaining and other synonyms for sighing and talking, eye rolling while I try to find the right words...

This morning, the same colleague as the other days said that when I talked about my experiences with my parents he couldn't help but be awed by my detachment. And I wonder is it really detachment or emotional unavailability ? I know I am detached from what I talk about in the sense that I talk about it like it's happening to someone else. I guess I'm emotionally unavailable while talking because if I was emotional I would be all over the place. My parents make me so angry, so sad.

So I explained that yes, I was detached because I was in this mess since I was small. And instead of laughing about it like I used to do and it made everyone feel very uncomfortable I just talked about it and didn't let my feelings show. I used to laugh because I was very detached from any feeling I had. In fact I didn't feel a thing, I just couldn't. But yes, sometimes I get very sad and it hurts inside in my plexus. But I don't want people to know how sad or angry I am because I don't want people to toy with my feelings. Instead I just feel it and keep it for a time when I will be able to cry alone or write about it or talk about it to my therapist. That's what I pay her for every week, so I can have feelings again.

It's hard for me to allow myself to cry. When I allow myself to become attached to someone, I become so vulnerable, I feel so helpless and I'm so afraid they are going to go away and they're going to hurt me or die. And you know what, most of the time I'm right, it happens. The last time I allowed myself to care for someone enough to need him to be there he wasn't. I felt betrayed, once again. And I just wouldn't cry in front of him anymore because I had done it too much and so many things were happening and I felt so sad and lonely. My life was a mess. My throat became constricted and I just couldn't cry anymore it just got stuck in my throat and my plexus. It stayed there and hurt.

When I started seeing my therapist and she asked me what I was feeling I didn't have an answer. I wasn't feeling a thing. "Nothing". For me it was a good thing. I was doing good if I wasn't feeling. But for her it wasn't good at all. It meant everything I was feeling was bottled up very tightly, I was disconnected and she was seeing something else. If I was hurt or was on the verge of feeling something I would just fly away in my head and wouldn't be there anymore. And when I saw I was doing that I stopped because it reminded me of when I used to go to sleep instantaneously for 15 minutes when I fought with my boyfriends. When I would wake up I wouldn't remember a single thing we would have done or said.

Yes it's hard to feel something. It gets easier but you won't catch me feeling in public ! If I can't help but cry on the subway, I get off and get back on when it's over. I have been depressed enough to cry at work and hide in the girl's locker room or behind the coat rack. Sad enough and helpless enough to hide in stairwells. I was just overwhelmed by these emotions.

Now I just feel it but don't show it. I don't want people to know what I feel. I'm a bit like Bones. It's easier to analyze and see love and friendship from a sociological and biological point of view than to participate. When I do participate and love and have friends life becomes a mess and I get hurt and mad.

But I try.