The Truth of the Matter Is  − 6 July, 2006

And even now, when things are okay, there is this underbelly of unhappiness there.  I just don't want it anymore.

I think back and catalogue all the ways that we've hurt each other and it would be easy to just think that we're bad people.  But I know that we are good.  Despite everything.  We are good - just not for each other.

I thought I could be the one to bring sunshine into his life.  I didn't understand that he has to do that for himself.  I thought he was my way out of a home that was suffocating me.  How disappointing to realize that he could not do that for me.  I have to do that for myself.

I get an email from a friend who offers to do our wedding photography.  And I think - just do this.  Just do this.

But I can't.  I don't love him.  Not anymore.  I'm done. 

I mean, it can't be about proving anyone wrong, or about feeling obligated, or about comfort or familiarity.  I'd have to want this.  And I don't want this anymore.  I'm done.  I loved him years ago, but something has happened since then.  While he grew to love me, I grew distant.  And I can't seem to close that gap.  When I try, it feels like I am forcing it.  Like I am faking it.

And I mean, there are ways that I still love him.  I care about him.  I want good things to happen for him.  I'm just sure, now, that I am not one of those good things.  We are too different.  And not in ways that compliment each other.  I know him so well - but I don't know him at all anymore. 

I don't know myself anymore either, for that matter.

It's hard because I'm just not the same person.  This isn't the life I want anymore.  It's been torn up too many times.  We did too much damage.  I don't want to be any of the people that I've been anymore.  I feel wrung out.  I need something new.  I need to be by myself.

I don't want to break up my family.  I am afraid of being alone.  I don't want to be unhappy.  I don't want to be the source of any more anger, hurt or disappointment.  I'm not sure where that leaves me.  There doesn't seem to be any perfect solution.

What a mess.