The First Step is Admitting the Problem  − 7 July, 2006

I am at a loss.  There is no winning situation.

The best scenerio would be that we could fix this.  But I think I'd have to have some steam left.  After seven years of not doing this right, I just feel emptied out.  There's nothing left.

And this unhappiness - this sense that I am going down the wrong path - it's been filling up my empty self for weeks

for months

for years.

Why do we feed off each other's bad moods?  It's like we are poisoning ourselves.  I don't want to feel like this anymore.  And it's so stupid, but it was that kiss with Jaime while I was pregnant ...

It sounds like I'm blaming him.

I don't.

I just thought that we had come so far.  When I was pregnant with Jacob, I thought things were different.  I thought we could do this.  But we keep ending up here.  I'm done.  Maybe we were just never right for each other.  I've done my fair share of screwing this up.  It's just that - now I see that it is not something that we can just seal up in the past.  It's still right here.

If everything was okay, he wouldn't have kissed Jaime.

I don't want to be the one to do it

to end it

Everything hurts.  There is no easy thing.

And deep down, I know that no matter if it is just because we are both fuckups or if we've hurt each other evenly, it will be my mistakes that everyone will remember.

We're never going to be good for each other.  I can see that now.  Even though I love him.  And I've known for so long ... and yet the years go by without anything changing.  Because I am afraid.  I know that he is unhappy too, even though he loves me.

It will be like a mercy killing.  It will hurt - but ultimately it will be what we both need.

Now I just need the strength

To lift the blade

To cut the ties that bind us.