Really cried more than bouhou...hou...houuuuu !! − 26 November, 2007
Yesterday I did something that I am not quite sure is okay. I went at his place again even if I had said I wouldn't. I guess his words lured me. Magical spell perhaps ? Something along the lines of "I'll always be there, my door is always open, I won't touch you..." Effective spell if there is one.
I have been feeling distraught, alone with my sorrow and my ugly memories. Knowing my secrets certainly gives him power. I still have to justify resisting him but all in all, he lets me be. Last night he cuddled me while I cried my eyes out. I felt secure enough to let myself go. My tears soaked the pillow, I could feel my eyes swelling. This morning I probably looked terrible but as always, he was charming.
It must be difficult for him to have me there and having me resist his moves. Two weeks ago it was easier for me. But right now, I can't handle kissing or touching. Hugging is somewhat okay as long as his hands don't move to low (my ass) or in front (my chest) or...almost anywhere !!
I'm grateful that I could cry freely last night. I know he doesn't quite understand, he vaguely knows what I had to go through but he doesn't grasp how much having someone touch me or kissing me revolts me and frightens me. I jumped out of my skin a couple of times and had nightmares. I can't even touch him.
Thinking everything is always my fault prevents me from letting myself go. And if I talk about it I feel it's even more my fault than when it's all in my head. I could pretend nothing happened but it all comes back when I have to talk about it in therapy. And down comes the despair, the heaviness. This weekend I have done less than half of the things I intended to do. I feel so tired, exhausted. I slept almost around the clock on saturday and I napped on the couch this afternoon.
Everything being my fault prevents me from touching him and thinking things can be possible. I just see everything happening again and again and again.
Crying was good but it feels heavy, I feel sick. I wish I could curl up on my couch and sleep for months, drool falling on my pillow, oblivious to everything while I get repaired.
I have been feeling distraught, alone with my sorrow and my ugly memories. Knowing my secrets certainly gives him power. I still have to justify resisting him but all in all, he lets me be. Last night he cuddled me while I cried my eyes out. I felt secure enough to let myself go. My tears soaked the pillow, I could feel my eyes swelling. This morning I probably looked terrible but as always, he was charming.
It must be difficult for him to have me there and having me resist his moves. Two weeks ago it was easier for me. But right now, I can't handle kissing or touching. Hugging is somewhat okay as long as his hands don't move to low (my ass) or in front (my chest) or...almost anywhere !!
I'm grateful that I could cry freely last night. I know he doesn't quite understand, he vaguely knows what I had to go through but he doesn't grasp how much having someone touch me or kissing me revolts me and frightens me. I jumped out of my skin a couple of times and had nightmares. I can't even touch him.
Thinking everything is always my fault prevents me from letting myself go. And if I talk about it I feel it's even more my fault than when it's all in my head. I could pretend nothing happened but it all comes back when I have to talk about it in therapy. And down comes the despair, the heaviness. This weekend I have done less than half of the things I intended to do. I feel so tired, exhausted. I slept almost around the clock on saturday and I napped on the couch this afternoon.
Everything being my fault prevents me from touching him and thinking things can be possible. I just see everything happening again and again and again.
Crying was good but it feels heavy, I feel sick. I wish I could curl up on my couch and sleep for months, drool falling on my pillow, oblivious to everything while I get repaired.
