Lost Love  − 28 January, 2008

Sometimes I think about the road not taken. I think of what might have been. I don’t think of it as defeating in any way – simply speculative daydreams, really. What if I had done this or that? How would my life have been different? Where would I be right now if I had made a particular choice?
This is especially applicable to a very special “ex” from my past – a man I had met online, who I fell in love with. I never met him in person, so perhaps I should really say I was infatuated with him and not “in love” – whatever it was, it was intense and real and incredible.
It changed me in some simple, yet profound, ways. I learned a lot about myself and there were definite, positive changes. I am still thankful for his help developing me in some really wonderful ways.
The biggest issue to our having a real, physical relationship was geographic – he lived in western Canada and I was in New Jersey. Though we spent many hours talking on the phone, we never did meet in person. Of course, I could’ve taken all that money I spent on long-distance phone bills and gotten a nice ticket out to Canada, but I didn’t.
I am on the fence about that – there is a part of me that regrets not meeting him, but another part that is glad – it sort of keeps the memory of the relationship more of a fantasy. Perhaps if we had met in real life, I would have been disappointed? Or maybe he would have.
Of course, in my daydream fantasies, we meet and decide to live happily ever after, so that leads me to that road not taken… would I be living in Canada right now? What would I be doing? Would I have convinced him to come back down to the U.S. for the warm weather? Is the quality of life really better in Canada?
I always think about the path my life is on and where I want to be. I have a friend who says “We make plans and God laughs” as life takes so many interesting turns with all the unexpected events that pop up.
So, I don’t see my occasional ruminations as unhealthy – I see them as an entertaining way to examine my past decisions and perhaps alter my future decisions. The older I get, the more motivated I am to take advantage of what may be fleeting opportunities. Especially after my two-year stint working in the Operating Room of a Trauma Hospital. I am a little bit of a fatalist sometimes – I try to live life fully everyday. After all, I could die tomorrow.
Carpe Diem.