Sex Ed Is Not a "How-To" Class − April, 1986

Sex Ed... Imagine my disappointment at discovering it wasn't a "how-to" class. Every year from grades 5 through 8, we had some sort of Sex Ed class. One year it was just a day spent in the locker room during gym class. Another year, it was several days during science class. The common teaching method throughout was a lot of talking by the instructor, maybe an old video on personal hygeine, and the occasional snicker from the back of the class. Honestly, what kind of sadistic bastard comes up with the idea of giving a bunch of pimply, horny teenagers a class called "Sex Education" and not have a single photo of nakedness to pass around?

The most intersting year by far for my formal education in human sexuality was the eighth grade. This year, Sex Ed took place over a week during Science class. Mr B, the Science teacher, had the unfortunate responsibility to deliver the lessons.

Content-wise, there wasn't anything new from what we had all already seen or heard in previous years: basic differences in male/female anatomy, old 1950s videos on personal hygeine, and the cold hard science of how babies are made.

Steamy stuff. I'm surprised they still didn't teach that masturbation can cause serious health problems. (No, carpal-tunnel syndrome and callouses don't really qualify as serious health problems.)

The really interesting part came during the question and answer sessions.

Mr B was very good about telling us up front that no question was off-limits, as long as we kept a bit of decorum. He had no idea the Pandora's Box he just opened.

The questions started out with the obligatory and expected:

"What's a rubber?"

"How do you use a rubber?"

"Isn't there a pill or something?"

"Can you get AIDS from kissing?"

Then the questions started entering the realm of how-the-hell-does-an-eighth-grader-even-know-to-ask-about-this:

"What's a french tickler?"

"Do you have to use a cock ring to keep the rubber on?"

"If you put it in your mouth, what does it taste like?"

"How do you guys put it away? Do you roll it up?"

Unfortunately, I think I'm forgetting some of the better ones. Mr B answered all questions with poise and discretion, turning even the bizarre ones into legitimate learning opportunities.

Then Lisa asked: "What's butt-fucking?"

I'll give him credit, he paused for only a few seconds to recover. "Well, anal sex is when..."

And leave it to Raul to wrap things up with this doozy: "Have you ever masturbated?"

I think we all silently called bullshit when, after a long long pause, he answered, "No. No I haven't."

He would have been better off with a deflection rather than a flat-out denial. Something along the lines of what Keanu Reeves' character said at one point in Parenthood: "That's what little dudes do."

You know, we would have probably all gotten a lot more out of these Sex Ed classes if they'd just shown us ten minutes from any random porno. (For some reason, my wife thinks a minute and a half is all it would take.)