Suicide continued − 3 March, 2008
Last week, in therapy, I talked a bit more about my suicidal ideas I had when I was sick. The therapist thought that I had those ideas because I had noone to talk to. It's not the reason why I wanted to die.
I never really had anyone to talk to but in my mind I talked a lot and I was sure everyone knew what was what. Of course, now, I know I didn't talk. But for me, being alone and having noone to share my stories with was ordinary. I didn't think about it, I assumed everyone lived the same things I did.
I wanted to die because my life was shitty. I thought that if that was what life was all about, I didn't want any of it. There was no way out. I felt I had already lived through most of what people live through and even more and I said to someone once that I didn't need to jump off a plane with a parachute because my whole life seemed like an endless plane jump.
I was hopeless, I had no real goals and no future. All I had was my past and my present and it was shit. Shit, shit, shit. So why stay ?
So that is the reason. I wasn't lonely and in need of a talk, I felt abandoned and betrayed by everyone. Scared that my life would continue the same way. Am still afraid of never finding someone to connect with.
Comments:
nosecrets (March 4, 2008. 01:11am)
I want to think of the right thing to say, but it all seems like a big pep talk. So I'll say it anyhow -- keep at it; keep up with the therapy; be cautious in relationships, but keep an open mind. Time is on your side.
Bazookah 5 (March 4, 2008. 04:22pm)
That's what I'm doing...one meeting at a time, one nightmare at a time, one date at a time. Thanks !
bmccosar (March 10, 2008. 02:29am)
This isn't going to make much sense. Or maybe it will. Maybe you'll land on my "frequency" and get it. Most of the time it seems like I'm rambling when I try to pass on something deep, but here goes. A long time ago, I read Roger Zelazny's Amber series. In the center of the universe -- of all universes, really -- there was The Pattern. Walking the Pattern gave someone of the blood of Amber the ability to walk in shadow, to travel to any universe they could imagine. However, walking the pattern itself was extremely dangerous -- if you stepped off, it would kill you. Well, everyone has their own Pattern to walk, and once you've beaten it, you gain your birthright. For me, I was born with the reverse of ADD (I'd call it Attention Surfeit Syndrome, but, you know, it makes a darn poor acronym). When I focus on something, the entire rest of the world vanishes, and time seems to stop passing for me. Also, if I drift off into thought, the world I'm thinking of seems just as real as the conventional one, for a time -- and I can forget what I'm doing all too easily. Now, I've all the makings of your stereotypical "absent minded professor", but when I turned to music, I found it was an incredible advantage. For a long time, my laser focus was a problem (especially in a world of deadlines and conflicting obligations). I beat it; I claimed the power for my own; I use it to walk to universes of my own creation. Writing seems to be one of your strong points. You probably have hundreds of others, masked by the few dozen you're aware of and have cultivated. Find those other strengths. Make that your mission, your purpose, to find out what else you can do. Make the world your own, even if you have to carve out your own corner of the universe. As for the other points you have made, I am descended from people who had their entire world taken away from them, and found themselves dumped in "Indian Territory" -- their language and culture taken away, broken. Talk about a plane jump. Their children taken to "Indian schools" and forbidden to learn the tribal language. My grandmother was caught speaking Creek and tied to a radiator overnight; my Dad was caught at it and forced to drink Castor Oil. All over something as basic as language. And Dad, born 3rd of 13 children, managed to survive all this, even three tours in Vietnam as a Marine. But you know, Dad kept walking, and my Grandmother kept walking, and the ones who came before them kept walking as well. Surviving and thriving is sometimes the best way to shoot the bird back at the universe.
Bazookah 5 (March 10, 2008. 03:15pm)
Thanks Bruce !