Under My Skin  − 2 March, 2008

I was at Frites Alors ! on Rachel street, eating my fries and my salad when this incredibly cute guy sat on a stool, two stools from me. I had put my coat and scarf on the stool that was between us and as he looked to me with uncertainty, I thought that maybe he wanted to put his things there. So I picked my things and blubbered about "if he wanted to put his things there..."

Suddenly overcome by shyness, I re-buried my nose in my book as he looked at me again. A bit taller than me, sandy hair, an air of good health...he looked like he smelled good. I looked at him a couple of times as he was writing in a notebook, turning my head back to my book when he looked my way.

I just couldn't help it. My throat was dry, my heart was constricted, I wanted to say something. But I couldn't.

As I paid and got out, I realized that he looked like a boyfriend I had had, François le deuxième. I really liked that guy and I was miserable with him. But geewhizz did I have him under my skin. We were together for two months and I spent the next few months stationed in front of my TV, sad and depressed. I took it harder than when it was over with my ex-fiancé.

I also realized that François le deuxième looked a lot like another previous boyfriend. A guy I wanted to spend all my time with, I thought he was so sexy and we spent most of our time fooling around. I was miserable with him also.

I felt for them the same thing I was feeling as I was looking at this guy at Frites Alors !. Dizzy with longing. I wanted to connect, to be there and I wanted them to be there for me and with me. I wanted it to work.

I can't believe that the sight of big brown eyes and short sandy hair as this effect on me. It's been over for years but I still feel this Pang in my chest when I think of him. When it was over, he said he would never come back but I hoped that when he got over his depression he would call me. He never did.

Last week I saw someone else that looked like him. Pang !