This Is My Real Life, Not The One You See. − 8 March, 2008
Iv'e recently realised that few of you know the real me, what i'm really about, and to be honest who i really am.
I have a survival instinct which when it kicks in makes me funny, sweet, cute etc, and it overshadows who i really am.
This is who i am.
Family.
To outsiders we seem close, but that's not true.
My Sister Sharon ran off when i was a teeneager to be with the man that beat her, she left me and mum and we didn't see her for over ten years. She's now back and thinks that she can just pick up where she left off. But she cant.
My Sister Julie is a hardworking, lovely lady but she doesnt get me, and she never has, she has this impression of of this spoilt brat who gets everything, she has no idea of the pain and suffering i go through, and she doesnt bother to ask.
My brother David is married with a great wife and great kids, but we see him once in a blue moon, when he does come down everyone goes out to dinner (Dad, Mum, Julie and her fiancee) everyonebut me. Im left out every time.
And he visits Julie, but never me when he comes down, which says everything.
My Dad is a traditional kinda yorkshire guy through and through. Hardworking, old values, salt of the earth but he has no time for anyone with problems. Iv'e had problems adjusting to being a mum, but to him it means im a bad mum. It doesnt matter that i have issues, he doesnt account for them, everything is black and white to him, and, of course, mum always comes first and he always takes her side, even whenb she's wrong, even if it hurts me.
My Mum. Where do i start?
When i was a kid, i remember we were best mates but somewhere along the road she changed. She does alot for people. Looks after my nan, visits friends, andall this with a load of health problems, but our relationship is flawed.
I have Issues and because of that she treats me differently.
When in company she delights in telling people about my limited parenting skills, and that i struggle to just live.
Recently i was party to a conversation where i was told that, at 26, i wasn't responsible enought to babysit my teenage nepheww and two nieces. In front of other people.
Do you know how that feels. Probably not.
She reminds me every day that in not 'normal, and that im not 'like other people'. Im treated like a joke to my family, the freak of the family. Looks pass between people, they whisper in the kitchen.
Friends.
To be honest, i have a lot of phone numbers, and email addresses but whats the point when noone ever gets back to me. There is not one person i can really call a friend. Helen is great but she is so busy with her boys, and her husband that i rarely see her, she never texts me, i feel obselete.
Everyone else......i ask people if they want to catch a movie, or get a drink and they think it's a date. I cant seem to ask anyone to hang out without them thinking i have an ulterior motive.
IThe truth is I Have No Friends. Nooone i can talk to when im down, when im alone and bored, when i want company. Im completely alone.
ME.
Here is what you need to know about me.
I have Depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
It's not catching and it's not life threatening, unless i'm really down and then i might try to commit suicide.
It means that sometimes im on a real high, and then
the next day i'll be really low, crying, sad, feeling alone, miserable and isolated.
It means im more emotnal and sensetive than a lot of other people.
Th OCD means that i worry alot more. I worry when im in the house alone someone will break in, and i sleep with a knife. It means iv'e got to check that the door is locked several times instead of once. It means that i cant hanlde raw meat because i fear being contaminated.
It means i worry about losing my daughter, Eva alot. She is the one constant in my life and the reason i'm still alive.
Other stuff.
When i was eight years old, someone asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. Do you know what i said?
'A Wife'.
My whole life all iv'e ever wanted was to be part of a loving, stable, family.
With a husband who loved me, children that enjoyed my company, and friends who really cared wether i lived or died.
Because of this when i fall in love, i fall intensely. For me it's life.
I do believe in love at first sight, iv'e experienced it. I do believe in true love ie Romeo And Juliet, The Notebook, Pretty Woman.
I believe in the love that people sing about.
And that's what i want for myself.
Im a truly deep, spiritual and emotional person and the man that loves me will be blessed because in my world he will be king.
Now, im sure after reading this ill find out who my friends are because those who arent will drop off the radar. Not that i'd notice really.
Comments:
edunn (March 8, 2008. 07:02pm)
Thank you.
Bazookah 5 (March 31, 2008. 01:56pm)
Hi Laura. I understand part of what you are going through. I understand how difficult it is for you to be left out and feel isolated from family and friends, how difficult it is to live with depression, OCD. I also understand the humiliation that comes from family talking about you in front of you like you're not there, talking about your difficulties. I too have slept with a knife and although I don't do it anymore, I still check the locks at least two times before bed, during the night and before going to work. I don't have OCD, I'm just really anxious. What I'm saying is...you're not alone in having Issues. I do too. You seem strong. Strong enough to have kids and care for them, strong enough to write about what you're going through. I am sure your "bottles in the ocean" are being opened and read.