Attachment − 14 March, 2008
I have real problems about attachment.
When I get attached to someone, I expect to be hurt. A lot. All these emotions are so hard to live that I used to fall asleep during fights. I just can't stand my emotions. I don't get attached anymore. I can't.
It's not about being afraid to take chances. It's about feeling PAIN when someone chooses to end the relationship, dies, rejects me, hurts me physically, abuses me. I feel pain and severe anxiety when I call and the person doesn't answer. I immediately think the person is not taking my call, or the person doesn't like me anymore.
Can you imagine waiting for someone and going through the reasons why this person is not showing up ? Person is late, person is dead, person stands me up and hasn't said a thing about not coming, person forgot about me, I'm wrong about date/hour/place to meet, person had a terrible accident...Every time. I have to force myself to be reasonable and wait. 98% of the time, the person is late. But I have to force myself to think about the person being only late and force myself to wait. I hate waiting, it makes me very nervous.
I never am certain that someone likes me even when they say it. I hear it, I can see proof in actions (words mean nothing to me) but I doubt it. I am all brains when I'm with someone. Analyzing what the person says or does in case they don't really like me...being analytic, I'm just going to move on.
I discard valuable objects, I discard people.
My life is becoming a war zone. I used to call people and then I stopped. It's a battle with myself. Call them because noone calls. Then, stop calling to see if they will call proving they like me enough to do it. I filter my calls, I resist the urge to communicate with someone. I was the type who could call 40 times a day. I'm insecure. If my boyfriend was late it was so painful. I would call his job, his work, his cell...Now, I just...don't call. I don't get attached so I don't feel this pain.
This is the subject of this week's therapy... a bit anyway. And my insecurity about money and attachment is the subject of next week. I understand my therapist wants me to get attached to her so the therapy works. But I can't because I pay her, I pay her for services and she has to be nice. She says she doesn't and she finds me "attachante".
It feels like I'm always on my toes. And people I KNOW love me, I push away or find reasons not to love them.
Siiiigh. When is easter so I can drug myself with chocolate ?
Comments:
peahayes (March 15, 2008. 03:16pm)
Mmm, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have been able to work through a lot of the tings you describe through YEARS of therapy, but am not all the way there. Try to trust your therapist, if you can. Work on that positive thinking (e.g., "But I have to force myself to think about the person being only late and force myself to wait."). That is very much the right idea. It is true that some people will hurt you, that is inevitable. But someday, when you feel safe enough to take risks, you will reap the benefits of meaningful relationships. I am rooting for you!
Bazookah 5 (March 17, 2008. 03:44pm)
Thank you so much for the encouragement ! :)