Disturbing Developments − 26 March, 2008
So, for those of you following my blog, I have made mention that I am handicapped. Well, this weekend, I had a serious “setback” which made me even worse off than I was before. Prior to Easter Sunday, I had more “good days” than “bad” – I used my cane or a dog relatively infrequently. I only used my scooter out in public occasionally. Well, this weekend was the beginning of a new me – the me that has to use a cane or dog permanently.
Easter Sunday morning, at dog training, I felt a more intense pain in my left hip than I have felt in a long time - it felt like after my dislocation, when the torn joint capsule was healing. I stayed home and rested Monday, thinking, if it just the usual soft tissue issue (like I had overexerted myself) it would be just fine with rest. Well Tuesday morning dawned and the pain was no better. Now I was worried about having done serious damage to the prosthesis on that side. So I took the day off and made the trek to see my orthopedic surgeon (he is about a 2.5 hour drive away).
Not good news. Apparently the pain IS soft tissue, but nothing that will heal. The last bit of muscle attached to what USED to be my trocanter (the ridge of bone that the muscles that move your leg attach to) finally gave way. I have nothing left of a trocanter, either – on x-ray, it is apparent that my body has resorbed almost all of the bone tissue – there’s nothing there but “dust” according to my doctor.
And there is nothing they can do. Luckily, the prosthesis is just fine – well “seated” in the femur on 3 sides – but, at this point, it will not get better. I was even told NOT to exercise – not that it would cause damage, but it will cause pain and provide no benefit. My doctor urged me to live my life to the fullest, however - no one knows how much time they have, and I might as well do what I can.
So, effectively I am much less mobile – and one-handed – and I have no idea how I am going to continue in my dog “hobby” this way. I am sure I will work it out, but right now I am terribly upset and frustrated. I knew this day would come, I just didn’t expect it so soon. I guess, before this weekend, I expected I would be “mobile” for a much longer time.
I know I am lucky – geez, I have friends right now with much more serious issues – but that doesn’t make this any easier to deal with. It’s still a “loss” to me. I am no longer able to do what I did before. I am sure I will never be able to show my Zorro again, or Kiri. I am pretty sure I will be fine with my future Finnish Spitz, but it hurts not to be able to do all the things I could do before. I have no idea what the lasting impact will be, either.
Perhaps once the muscles finally atrophy, it will be less painful. Perhaps I will be able to compensate in another way and not have to use a cane all the time. That is what I am HOPING for now.
I guess I am lucky I was able to do Westminster before the hip gave out. I have really super friends, too, who will help me show Zorro and Kiri… but I know this means that I will have to give up on some of my plans with my larger breeds, and I will have to modify my training to compensate for my new self.
I wish I could be philosophical about this, but I find myself very frustrated instead. It’s unfair. I have struggled my whole life, and now I just have more to struggle with – it doesn’t get better, so what am I fighting for? Maybe I should just give up. Wouldn’t that be easier? Certainly less painful. I am tired of fighting and getting nowhere…
Comments:
peahayes (March 27, 2008. 03:15am)
My goodness, I don't know what to say. I am so very sorry. Everything is relative. What has happened to other people has no bearing on whether something that happened to you feels terrible. You have every right to feel frustrated. In time, a more philosophical approach may come. But first you have to grieve, and then learn how to live a new way. Give yourself time, and don't feel guilty about feeling badly when the going gets rough. You'd have to be a saint, otherwise.
Bazookah 5 (March 27, 2008. 02:05pm)
It must be very frustrating indeed. I guess that before you find a philosophical view on this there is a grieving period. I certainly can relate on the giving up after having struggled so much. Not for the same reasons. I am sure you will find a solution to being able to show the dogs or any other plan with time. You seem to be a very resourceful person. :)
kga245 (March 28, 2008. 05:48pm)
Sara - from the tone of your post (and from knowing your personality from previous posts) I know you are healthy in mind and spirit. Body be damned, such as it is. If it helps to know such things, you are an inspiration to others here. May the pain subside knowing that, I hope.
saradonadei (March 28, 2008. 07:18pm)
Thank you so much for the words of support. I don't intend for this setback to negatively impact my life too much - there are still so many things I want to do... and I am going to do them! Cane or no.