22 Hours in a Wilderness of Self Doubt − 9 April, 2008
On Friday, while giving a demo to a researcher running a high profile project of which I’m a member, I made an embarrassing error. Too immersed in details, I lost sight of the big picture, and made some statements that were inaccurate. It was the first time I’d worked with this researcher directly. His other collaborators are high achievers; talented people, next to whom I feel inferior.
I felt like an idiot. I figured that the researcher probably thought so, too. I could not forgive myself for my stupidity and entered state of despair. For people who don’t suffer intense bouts of self-doubt, it must seem incomprehensible. People who just brush off mistakes must wonder, “What’s the big deal?” But anyone who suffers from low self-esteem will relate. People who look in the mirror first when anything goes wrong will recognize themselves. Anyone who is willing to believe that someone else’s low opinion of them is correct will nod in sympathy.
It wouldn’t be fair to myself if I didn’t explain that this researcher is an oddball with serious personality issues. Plenty of people are put off by his lack of social skills. My own husband refused to agree to invite this person into our social circle after just one meeting. There are people who will not work with him, even though he is bright and talented.
It would also be unfair to myself not to mention that I have a history of being very good at what I do. Past supervisors and colleagues hold me in high regard. So why, you ask, would I even care what this person thinks of me? It is because I have serious self-esteem issues. I look to myself first when something goes wrong. I worry that this person’s opinion of me will precede any positive impression I might make on someone whose opinion really matters.
Despite a wonderful weekend, on Monday morning it all came back. I felt lousy all day as I prepared for a working meeting with this researcher on Tuesday. Two of my male colleagues work closely with this researcher. He thinks highly of them. They also know how to “handle” him. He is a difficult person to explain things to. My colleagues have learned how to do it, but my encounter with him on Friday left me feeling frustrated and tongue-tied. Now, I dreaded having to explain anything to him.
I emerged from my wilderness of self-doubt this afternoon, after 22 hours of feeling worthless and incompetent. I can see the situation more objectively on this side of the wilderness. But when I get lost like that, I need encouragement from people who know better. It would be best if I could encourage myself. But even the smallest words of encouragement from a colleague can go a long way.
So, you people who don’t suffer from low self-esteem, remind your talented colleagues who suffer from it that they’re good! You people full of confidence, don’t minimize the angst of those of us who are not. You folks who just shake off your mistakes, don’t brush aside the despair of those of us who cannot. Acknowledge our utter chagrin, and give us a few kind words of encouragement. It only takes a few seconds.
I felt like an idiot. I figured that the researcher probably thought so, too. I could not forgive myself for my stupidity and entered state of despair. For people who don’t suffer intense bouts of self-doubt, it must seem incomprehensible. People who just brush off mistakes must wonder, “What’s the big deal?” But anyone who suffers from low self-esteem will relate. People who look in the mirror first when anything goes wrong will recognize themselves. Anyone who is willing to believe that someone else’s low opinion of them is correct will nod in sympathy.
It wouldn’t be fair to myself if I didn’t explain that this researcher is an oddball with serious personality issues. Plenty of people are put off by his lack of social skills. My own husband refused to agree to invite this person into our social circle after just one meeting. There are people who will not work with him, even though he is bright and talented.
It would also be unfair to myself not to mention that I have a history of being very good at what I do. Past supervisors and colleagues hold me in high regard. So why, you ask, would I even care what this person thinks of me? It is because I have serious self-esteem issues. I look to myself first when something goes wrong. I worry that this person’s opinion of me will precede any positive impression I might make on someone whose opinion really matters.
Despite a wonderful weekend, on Monday morning it all came back. I felt lousy all day as I prepared for a working meeting with this researcher on Tuesday. Two of my male colleagues work closely with this researcher. He thinks highly of them. They also know how to “handle” him. He is a difficult person to explain things to. My colleagues have learned how to do it, but my encounter with him on Friday left me feeling frustrated and tongue-tied. Now, I dreaded having to explain anything to him.
I emerged from my wilderness of self-doubt this afternoon, after 22 hours of feeling worthless and incompetent. I can see the situation more objectively on this side of the wilderness. But when I get lost like that, I need encouragement from people who know better. It would be best if I could encourage myself. But even the smallest words of encouragement from a colleague can go a long way.
So, you people who don’t suffer from low self-esteem, remind your talented colleagues who suffer from it that they’re good! You people full of confidence, don’t minimize the angst of those of us who are not. You folks who just shake off your mistakes, don’t brush aside the despair of those of us who cannot. Acknowledge our utter chagrin, and give us a few kind words of encouragement. It only takes a few seconds.
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Comments:
bmccosar (April 9, 2008. 10:12am)
I put a lot of time into music, and I see where you are coming from. Musicians have to deal with critics. A lot of times, the worst criticism comes as a kneejerk reaction, not a result of deep listening, nor from the standpoint of technical expertise, nor from an open mind. A critic once said of John Coltrane "He plays his tenor as if he were determined to blow it apart, but his desperate attacks almost invariably lead nowhere." Coltrane, of course, ended up becoming a jazz legend. As for the critic in question . . . well, I'm sure someone who worked with him at Down Beat remembers him. Possibly.