Plenty − 9 April, 2008
I see my therapist today after work. Since "discovering" I may have been abused in my childhood, I feel tired and I don't smile as much. I can't help but feel that what I do for myself is pointless. I feel like I am wasting my efforts.
In another area of my brain I know I should pursue my efforts at feeling good. That what happened (or not) doesn't make me...less.
I am plenty. I just want all that makes me feel less to go away. But I am plenty.
Comments:
peahayes (April 10, 2008. 02:34am)
I think you need time to process your "discovery". What does it mean that you may have been abused, but don't remember it? How are you supposed to feel about it? Who knows! It's unusual territory to be in. I'd think it would be a bit unsettling.
PandoraBox (April 10, 2008. 04:30pm)
It means that my memories are repressed, gone. When living something that one can't handle, the brain "forgets it". For example, I can "lose" an hour, a day, weeks and I have discovered that I lost almost a year at some time. I don't know why I have lost those months since I can't remember if I was traumatized by something. Losing those memories must have helped at some time and my brain has continued doing it to preserve my mental health but it isn't helping anymore since I am not in danger.
Today, I don't feel much about what may have happened. Yesterday I was confused. The therapist said that maybe we should focus on what it means to me to be a woman since I somatize a lot. Maybe if we go that way we will arrive to the "what I forgot" part.
It is unsettling. Knowing I "misplaced" chunks of time and I can't remember any of it even after I know I "forgot" that time makes me wonder what else have I "misplaced".