Worth Something  − 18 April, 2008

Do you ever get them days when you just feel like you arent really going anywhere or nothing is happening? And where you feel totally useless?

I dont know what i was doing yesterday, i might of watched something on tv or just heard something - or it just simply came to me, and it made me think that i am kinda useless. Im not really doing anything with my life, im not going anywhere.

I want to do something, anything - everyone is meant to have a passion towards something - that makes them strive to achieve, makes them happy; takes them away from everything, etc, and i realised that i dont.

I want to have that, that feeling of like pure happiness, that excitement, the rush of adrenaline. I want to be able to do something that i can be proud of - or that would make my parents proud - but something that is for me, not them. I cant remember anytime when my parents have ever said that they are proud of me, or that im doing well as i am.

The only thing in my life atm that im doing that isnt usual is my driving lessons which are going good. And that isnt all that interesting really.
I do photography, and yeah i enjoy it - but i dont have a major passion towards it. I have some ideas for what i want to do, but i dont really know how to go about them; im useless at telling people how to pose and stuff, so it seems my photos never really come out how i would like. And i figure if i wanted it that badly, i would know how to.

I would also love to travel - i would love to go all over america, love to go to japan, australia, anywhere tbh. I dont have the money to do that right now - but if it was something i really really wanted to do; i would do what i dont want to and get a 40hr job so i can go asap.

Its the same for actually moving forward in my life - needing a fulltime job, being able to move out, and starting my own life. But i havent got a fulltime job - so does that mean that im really not at all that passionate about doing it?? I guess it doesnt.

Harold Whitman once said - "Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

I want to find me; i want to know what makes me so happy that nothing is going to bring me down. That i can go and do and it will take me away from all my troubles; something that i know i want to keep doing forever.

I think it also may have something to do with me being single for nearly a year - i think im getting to the point where i may be ready for another relationship, but then hating the fact i have to put myself out there - i want to have interesting fun things to talk about. Im sick of being the boring me who sits at home for hours on end once i get home from work.
I want to mean something to someone, i want someone to think im amazing, and that im worth something. And vice versa - so i also want the passion of a relationship and falling in love, not just of doing something i enjoy.

Grr, life is a pain in the arse!

Comments:

peahayes (April 19, 2008. 04:11am)

Welcome to the human race, good to have you aboard. Seriously, you are in good company. I think many people could have written what you just did, even people in different situations. The human condition is to want one's life to mean something. Listen to Harold Whitman, and find whatever it is that makes you come alive. Life is indeed a real pain in the arse, sometimes! It's because we are human that we can even think about these things.

bmccosar (April 19, 2008. 05:56pm)

Imagine the reverse situation -- an alternate universe version of you. In this other world, you've found a relationship. Your partner is highly energetic, frenzied really, but apparently incapable of doing anything on their own. You have things you'd like to do, things you'd like to try, things you'd like to learn -- but never any time, for everything you do has to be a joint endeavor, has to be approved by a committee of two. There's no room for 'you', only 'us'. What I'm saying is there are people who would kill to be in your position, to have a blank slate, to be staring out at that sea of options and not chained in the hold of a ship they boarded long ago. As for me, I'm in my own sort of trap -- hundreds of things I want to do, but only a few hours in the evening to get them done, because of all the responsibilities I have. Even my weekends are usually sacrificed to getting our house ready for sale. Once I was a musician; today I'm only a cut rate Bob Vila.

peahayes (April 19, 2008. 06:44pm)

There is a middle ground. When ultimately you have the responsibilities, and things are decided as a committee of two, the ideal would be to carve out a life in which there is time for each partner's separate passions. Of course, I say this from a position of not having children, which is hardly fair to those of you who have children. But children grow up and move away. Couples often have many decades of "empty nest". But with a good partner and a good partnership, needs can be met. THAT's one of the parts where "life is a pain in the arse"! It's hard! But it's not impossible. I've seen couples do it. Rebecca, you can sow your oats now, and when and if you find a partner, keep in mind that your partner should facilitate you continuing to follow your passions, and vice versa.

tehbecky (April 19, 2008. 07:09pm)

Ive had that - being with each other 24/7 and it drove me mad; i asked for time to myself and it turned to arguments. So i would want to be with someone who understands the need of alone time; and doing things for yourself - but knowing it doesnt change your feelings for them.
Also, i may have a part time job so i technically have all the time to do what i want - but i dont. There never seems to be enough time in the day. Also having too many options can be a bad thing, cos it means always being indecisive - never knowing what to do first.