Thinking, thinking and overthinking − 21 January, 2008
This weekend I felt like being alone. I was tired and didn't want to see anyone.
But the Special Colleague was going to the beauty salon with me (the last visit was for men so I gave it to him) and I had already said I was going to see him on Friday. But I didn't feel like it.
I am happy single. I would be happy with a boyfriend I love. But I am not really happy about my relationship with this colleague. He really loves me but I don't. I am not in love with him. It makes me sad, I feel guilty and annoyed. He treats this relationship like something serious, like something going somewhere and for me, it's not and it never was going to be serious or going anywhere.
Now, we see each other every week and I practically have to reason with him when he begs for me to see him "tonight". If it were a serious relationship, he would be my boyfriend and I would see him more. But I don't miss him when we are apart and I make myself see him once a week because he is sad when I don't. It's a good thing we don't have sex (we did it only twice) because it would get more complicated.
I know I'm hard as nails about this. But I was clear from the start that he was not my boyfriend, that I would see him only once in a while and it was for affection and we were not going anywhere because he's way older than me. Even if he has great qualities and meets lots of things that are on my list, some things that are important for me are not met.
Like my therapist says : "Now you find out that a guy can meet lots of your requirements and you can still be unhappy about the relationship. It doesn't mean that meeting the criterias is a guarantee for love."
Guess not. The guy is nice to me, patient and he likes me a lot. He does make me coffee every morning I wake up with him. But I'm still unsatisfied and bored. I have nothing to talk about with him. I have nothing to talk about with a lot of people. We have nothing in common, really. No amount of activities would make it unboring because I still have nothing to talk about. I tried talking about books but he doesn't read. He doesn't watch tv series either. He isn't interested in abstract art and doesn't express opinions about anything except at work. But he sure can talk about his feelings for me which would be quite an event with any other man. And I have nothing to reply because even if I like him, I don't have the same feeling for him.
I am annoyed that this man that could have any other woman and has extraordinary qualities is in love with me. Because I wish him to find love with a woman his age. Because I have to work on myself and I don't have time for a non-relationship. This is something I already said to him last summer. I refused him for months because we don't fit together. Now even if he is great I don't want him.
He wants more of me, he has expectations I can't meet and I don't want to meet. He wants to see me more, he wants to do things with me, he would like me to love him and he would like to have sex (we can't because he can't and I rarely feel like having sex even when I'm aroused because I don't see the point of having sex with someone I don't love).
Expectations mean being deceived. Having desires lead to pain.
I don't even know how to end this. Valentine's day is coming soon and he has plans. Those plans are way bigger than anything I have had on Valentine's day. I'm unhappy because I don't see the point in celebrating this and celebrating it that big. He asked me to help him look for places to go and things to do and I did help half-heartedly. I didn't want to hurt him, I never want to, but those plans make me feel really really unhappy. As much as it is exciting and fun, I don't want to do this with him.
He's not my boyfriend and he acts like he is and it kills me. He says he will take what I give but he always asks for more.
I can't live like this anymore which is ridiculous because the guy only wants to be happy with me and he treats me well.
Comments:
peahayes (May 7, 2008. 06:56pm)
Since you wrote this around Valentines Day, I guess you have probably already answered your question. But if not, I say, let him go. Unrequited love is very painful. Better one big pain all at once than pain over a long period of time. No sense in your having to go through this aggravation either.
PandoraBox (May 8, 2008. 01:42pm)
I did let him go.