The Game − 24 May, 1951
Dory gazed happily on a scene that she would never witness again. Around the dinner table gathered her father and mother, her brother Bennie, her Uncle Peter, and her Aunt Anna Lee. Her father’s gold wire-rimmed glasses framed his merry eyes as he gazed from one face to another. Her mother took her blind sister-in-law’s hand into hers, glanced at her husband, and bowed her head. Her father offered a quick but sincere blessing, and then everyone dug into the cornucopia of food.
The next afternoon, she lounged on the couch twirling a curl between two fingers, listening to her mother’s voice student sing an aria as she worked on a school assignment. Her mother’s fingers flew over the keyboard, her body moving with the music. The doorbell rang. Dory’s mother looked up from the keyboard and gestured to Dory with a tilt of the head. Dory laid her schoolwork aside and went to the door. It was her Uncle Peter and her Aunt Anna Lee.
“Anannalee! Uncle Peter!” cried Dory, happily. But then she noticed that their faces were somber.
“Hello, Dorothea”, said Uncle Peter quietly. “We need to speak with you and your mother. May we come in?” Dory’s heart began racing. She quickly put her hand on her aunt’s arm, helping her uncle to guide the blind woman through the door.
Uncle Peter walked towards Dory’s mother and called, “Helen. Helen!” With a start, Dory’s mother’s hands froze above the keyboard and her head turned. At the sight of her brother and her husband’s sister, she cried, “Peter! Anna Lee! Has something happened?” She too had read their somber expressions.
“Helen, may I speak with you privately?” Uncle Peter asked. To the young student, he said gently, “My dear, you will need to go home now.”
Dory intertwined her fingers with her Aunt’s. “Anannalee?” she whispered. “What is happening?” Her aunt squeezed her hand. “Dory, my love, let’s go to your room now.”
Anna Lee could have found her way, but Dory held onto her anyhow. The two of them climbed the stairs slowly. Dory turned to watch the scene below. Uncle Peter was respectfully helping the student with her coat. Her mother’s hands were still poised in the air, although she was now standing. Anna Lee paused with Dory. They waited until the voice student had left before they continued their climb.
In Dory’s bedroom, Anna Lee found her way to Dory’s bed. “Close the door”, she commanded quietly. Dory did as she was told. Then she crossed the braided rug to join her aunt. She laid her head on her aunt’s shoulder, and clasped her arms around her slight body. Anna Lee was her soul mate. She had a best friend her age, but Anna Lee was the person who understood her completely.
Anna Lee held Dory away from her and did her best to look into her niece’s face, although she was sightless. “Dorothea, your father passed away this afternoon. He suffered a massive heart attack. He was taken to the hospital, and the doctors tried everything they knew, but he is gone, child.”
Dory became sightless like her aunt. The only image she had was of her father, the rims of his spectacles catching the sunlight as they walked together in the park. She could almost feel his large hand enclose hers. She could breathe his scent. His voice rumbled above her, telling her stories from the “olden days”, when he too had been a child.
Anna Lee interrupted Dory’s reverie, touching her face, feeling her cheeks. “Dory, where are your tears?” Dory did not answer because she couldn’t breath. “Dorothea?” queried Anna Lee, alarmed. She put her palm to her niece’s chest, and felt her heart pounding. She could sense Dory struggling to breath. She gently bent Dory over, pushing her head between her knees. “You must breathe.” Anna Lee rubbed Dory’s back methodically. Dory tried to breathe. It was difficult, but finally she began to suck in breaths of air. “Oh, Daddy!” she murmured from between her knees. Then she sat up.
She felt her face crumple into a silent cry of anguish. Her voice was silenced. Hurt pushed its way deep inside her. As it pressed unrelentingly into a seemingly bottomless cavity, she began to feel that she would go mad. She could not understand how her father could be gone. He had been so vital and energetic. Anna Lee’s fingers sought Dory’s face to read her feelings. She read Dory’s anguish.
Anna Lee’s own face struggled to remain composed, but lost the struggle, and she, too, displayed her own anguish. Tears spilled from her eyes as she drew Dory close. She held Dory tenderly, rocking her, and whispered into her hair, “Weep, my love. You must let your feelings out. Don’t hold them in. The hurt will be worse.”
The simple act of Anna Lee’s embrace released Dory from her feeling of silent madness. She wept into her aunt’s shoulder and squeezed her aunt back as if the tiny woman could save her from drowning. Her aunt began to hum a lullaby. Although Dory was much too old for lullabies, Anna Lee knew that the association of being comforted would help her niece. After a long time, when Dory’s sobs had ceased, her first thoughts were for her brother.
“Anannalee, does Bennie know?” Anna Lee shook her head.
“No, precious child, I wanted to you to know first.” Anna Lee explained. “Bennie will need your strength. He depends on you the way you depend on me. Now that you have had some time to grieve, you need to be strong. If you can, try to remain composed around him.”
Dory shook her head slowly. “Oh, Anannalee, I don’t know if I can do it!” Dory cried.
“Dorothea, you must. I know that this feels like the end of the world. But you must draw upon your inner strength.” Anna Lee took Dory’s head in her hands, and slowly moved Dory’s head up and down in a nod. “See, my dear, you can do it!” Dory felt a smile appear and then vanish like a small, quick animal. Then she nodded her head on her own.
“Anannalee, I will try. But what if I fail?” Dory asked.
Anna Lee said fervently, “Dorothea, I would forgive you! But I also know that you will not fail. You have amazing capabilities that you are not even aware of.” Anna Lee wiped away her own tears, and smiled tentatively at her niece. She felt Dory’s face to know whether Dory could manage a smile of her own. She was not surprised to find Dory’s lips to be trembling.
“I would like you to tell your brother. He will not want us to see him cry. But in case he does, better that it be you who sees,” Anna Lee instructed. Dory thought about this, and nodded in agreement. Her brother was an easy-going boy of eleven. He was sensitive but proud. He had always emulated his father.
Anna Lee said, “Dory, there’s one more thing. Your mother is probably in pieces right now. Your father was the love of her life. He was everything to her. I doubt that she will be able to face the world for a little while.” Anna Lee’s voice had caught in her throat. Her heart was badly wounded. Dory felt new tears come, but just nodded her head as she tried to blink them away.
Dory and Anna Lee returned to the first floor. Uncle Peter was just closing the door to Dory’s parents’ bedroom. He looked shaken and extremely tired. His clothes were rumpled, and in places, wet. He looked at Dory with great sympathy. “Anna Lee?” he prompted.
“How is she?” Anna Lee asked, with great concern. Peter rubbed his eyes for a few moments before he could answer. He smoothed his jacket.
“She is not well. We will need to see that the children are fed and cared for over the next several days. We can re-assess then.” Uncle Peter turned to Dory. “How are you, Dorothea?”
“I am heartbroken, Uncle Peter. But I am going to be strong. Anannalee has asked me to tell my brother,” Dory replied. Peter nodded his head, and rubbed his eyes again.
“Are you sure you feel up to it? I can tell him, if you would like me to,” Peter offered. He looked at Anna Lee, marveling at what this amazing woman had achieved. No one but Anna Lee could have helped Dory to reach a state of calm and control so quickly.
“I will try. If I can’t, then maybe you could do it. Can I see my mother?” Dory queried. Peter shook his head.
“No, sweetheart, she is sleeping. She is very tired. She needs to rest for a few hours. Anannalee will stay here to help you kids with dinner. Please don’t be afraid to ask for anything you need,” answered Peter. He gave Dory’s face a quick caress. “All right, then, I will see you very soon.” Then, he impulsively gave her a hug. Peter was not a very physical man. But he felt such deep sorrow for his sister’s children that he could not help himself.
Anna Lee announced to Dory, “I will be in the kitchen. I think Bennie is outside. If you are ready, now would be a good time to tell him, before he finds out accidentally.” Dory’s heart began fluttering. She went to her aunt and whispered, “I will try to be strong.” As she made her way to the back door, she began to think about how she would tell Bennie. She couldn’t just come right out and say it. She needed to work up to it.
Her brother was bouncing a rubber ball against the garage, singing a schoolboy song. He looked happy and carefree. Dory hated to watch this boy’s world fall apart. She loved her brother. She loved his innocence and his bright inquisitiveness.
“Bennie,” she called. The boy caught the ball neatly, and turned to her.
“Hi Dory! When’s dinner?” he asked.
“Bennie, dinner won’t be for awhile. Do you mind if we talk?” Dory asked.
“Sure, sis. What’s up?” Bennie said, easily.
“Let’s sit down.” She sat on the porch stairs, wrapping her skirt around her to make room for her brother. Bennie sat next to her.
“Bennie,” Dory began, “do you remember the time when Daddy was away in the war and God saved him?” Bennie looked at Dory strangely.
“Yes, Dory, but why do you want to talk about that?” Bennie asked, puzzled.
“Well, Bennie, do you remember how we thought that because Daddy escaped death, God must be watching over him?” Dory reminded him. During the war, their father had been the personal physician for a general. One day, the general had given their father leave to take the day off. On that very day, the general had been shot dead by German soldiers. Their father could have died too, had he been there.
Bennie frowned, biting his lower lip. He twisted his shirttail in his grubby hands. “Dory, do we have to talk about this?” he asked.
“Yes, Bennie. The reason is that Daddy died today. We thought he was safe from death. But he was not.” Dory felt herself begin to lose control. Her voice had begun to quaver. She clenched her teeth and intertwined her fingers tightly together.
“Dory, what do you mean Daddy died today? Died how? I just saw him this morning! I don’t understand.” Bennie sounded panicky. Dory put her hand on his knee and squeezed it. Bennie pushed her hand away angrily.
“Bennie, Daddy had a very bad heart attack. Sometimes the doctors can save people, not this time. Daddy died at the hospital.” Dory breathed out slowly. Bennie bowed his head down to his chest. He balled up his hands into fists and twisted them together. He kicked against the stairs a couple of times. He shook his head.
He asked his sister, “Are you sure? Are you really, really sure? You’re not making this up are you, Dory?”
Dory fought down the enormous lump in her throat and shook her head. “No, Bennie. I am not making it up.” She watched her brother. He closed his eyes tightly, and rocked back and forth a couple of times. Then he jumped up and said, “Dory, I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you at dinner.” Then he ran off behind the garage. Dory sighed, and smoothed her skirt over her knees. She rubbed her eyes. She was exhausted. She stayed on the porch for a while, listening for sounds of Bennie behind the garage. She heard nothing but birdsongs and the happy cries of other children in their yards.
Images of her father overcame her. She could see him in the dapper hat he wore in the mornings when he left for the office. She could see him kissing her mother and twirling her around the kitchen merrily, reaching back playfully to pull the ribbon from her hair. She watched him reading to her brother, making the characters in the children’s books come alive.
Dory and her father had a very special relationship. He loved to hear her play the piano. He would take her to the park, and then they would stop for ice cream on the way home. He listened to her. Even though he never showed disappointment, she worked hard to please him. In times when she had erred, he would not scold her. Instead, he would help her figure out how she could avoid making the same mistake again. He was a good teacher. Dory was proud of how close she was to her father. Not all of her girlfriends could boast of such a special relationship with their fathers.
Thinking that there was probably not much she could do for Bennie right now, Dory stood up, stretched, and entered the house. She went into the living room to find a photograph of her father. She found one of him in his army uniform. He looked especially handsome. She picked it up and gazed at his beloved countenance. Quietly, she climbed the stairs to her room, and slipped the photograph under her pillow.
She sat down on her bed, and looked out the window. She wondered what was to become of her family. Everything had changed in an instant. The things her aunt and uncle had said about her mother worried her. For how long would her mother be unable to face the world? She gnawed at her knuckle anxiously. Her aunt had not said so, but it seemed like she would need to be strong for her mother, not just Bennie. Dory knew that she would grieve terribly. But her aunt had been right about her. She did have an inner strength. She did not think her mother had that kind of strength.
Dory’s thoughts turned to God. She had always trusted God, as her parents had taught her to do. They had always taught her “God had his reasons.” She couldn’t imagine what God’s reason could be for taking her father. She asked now, “God, why did you take him? I don’t understand. I just want to know what your reason was.” She was afraid to ask for too much. She did not want God to be cross with her. If God became displeased, perhaps he would take her mother too, or even Bennie or Anannalee. Dory began to wonder whether God even had a reason.
Over the next few days, Anna Lee and Dory’s other aunts helped her run the household. Her uncles took care of the funeral arrangements. Anna Lee took food to Dory’s mother, and tried to talk to her, but she was unresponsive. Anna Lee helped Dory’s mother bathe and dress for the funeral. But as soon as the family returned from the cemetery, Dory’s mother took to her bed again, despite a house full of mourners. Dory did her best to play hostess along with her aunts. All of the busy work helped her to avoid dwelling on her hurt during the day. But at night in her bed, when no one could see, she grieved.
As Dory felt herself blossom into the strong girl that Anna Lee had predicted, she began to think of herself as her father’s child. He had been strong, like his sister Anna Lee. She felt that in some way, she could carry on his legacy by emulating him, as she had emulated Anna Lee. Bennie must have been his father’s child too. He never showed his pain, but he had begun to spend hours in the garage tinkering with their father’s old roadster. Leaning against the garage doorway, she would watch him, touched by the intensity of his concentration. He, too, was channeling his grief into productive work. She imagined that the work helped her brother to feel connected to his father.
Finally the day came when Dory was admitted to her mother’s bedroom. It had been one week. She had never been apart from her mother for even one day. The shades were drawn, and the air was thick. Her mother was a still lump beneath the quilt. Her hair was dark against the white pillow. Dory sat gently on the bed, and leaned over her mother, whose face was turned to the wall.
“Mother, how are you feeling?” she asked. Her mother turned to look up at Dory. There was darkness beneath her eyes, and her face had aged.
“Darling,” her mother said sorrowfully. “I am so sorry. I have been a terrible mother.” Talking seemed to take a lot out of her. Dory leaned over and pressed her lips to her mother’s cheek for a long time. Her eyes squeezed shut as she stroked her mother’s hair. She breathed in her mother’s scent. The scent had changed. Dory sat up, her eyes seeking her mother’s face. “Mother, I love you so much. When can you be with us? We really miss you!” Dory’s mother turned her face to the wall.
“Darling, right now, I cannot imagine leaving this room. I’ve been praying. I cannot understand why God allowed this to happen.” Dory felt a pang of empathy. She had been struggling, too. Then her mother turned to her, and spoke again.
“I feel terrible for asking, but can you manage without me for awhile? I hear that you have been a real trooper.” Dory’s mother closed her eyes, breathing deeply for a while. Then she opened her eyes, and said, “You are an amazing girl, Dory. Your father…he would be so proud. I am, too. Oh honey, I’m so tired. Please kiss me, and then you must go.”
Dory kissed her mother, but as she turned to leave, she felt hurt to her core. She felt as if she had lost both of her parents. She hated her life. She was tired of being strong and she missed her mother. She wanted to be a child again. She began to feel angry, but she did not know at whom she was angry. But then she thought of her father and immediately felt ashamed.
Dory wondered how she could keep her father alive as more than just a memory. She tried imagining that he was inside of her, that he was one with her. His mind could read her thoughts and he could sense everything that she could sense. She liked it. For a few hours, she played this new game. She began to feel more grown up. That night in her bed, for the first time since her father’s death, she did not weep. Instead, she lay there quietly, just imagining him there with her. She had him all to herself. She couldn’t converse with him. He was simply present, watching over her. Her heart warmed with love and contentment.
When she awoke in the morning, she decided to try the game again. It was awkward as she dressed. She didn’t want her father to see her body. But she liked the idea of him seeing all that she saw. At school, he saw her schoolwork as she wrote. She tried to make her longhand more like his. He saw the other children in the hallway as she moved between classes. She lifted her head and smiled at them, as he would have. After school, she wanted to be alone for a while, so she abandoned the game. But that night, she wanted him back. His presence kept her from drowning. She found herself returning to the game again and again. When he was with her, she felt braver, smarter, stronger, and more grown up.
Over the months it took her mother to recover, Dory was effectively the head of the household, although she had her aunts and uncles to lean on. She became a capable young woman, simultaneously managing a household, completing her schoolwork, and being a surrogate mother to her brother. Through all of these labors, she kept her father close.
When her mother rejoined the family, she was a different woman. She never fully recovered from the loss of her husband. Until Dory left home for college, her mother depended on her, as she never had before. Perhaps she sensed the quiet strength of her husband in her daughter. As Dory had needed her father, Dory’s mother needed her daughter to keep from drowning.
Dory’s childhood had ended on the day her father died. But she had become a new person. She saw the world through two pairs of eyes; her own, and her father’s as he watched her grow. Because she could imagine him as part of her, she was never without him again. Every day of her life, her own private game helped to keep him alive.
Note: This story is inspired by what I know of my mother's loss of her father.
The next afternoon, she lounged on the couch twirling a curl between two fingers, listening to her mother’s voice student sing an aria as she worked on a school assignment. Her mother’s fingers flew over the keyboard, her body moving with the music. The doorbell rang. Dory’s mother looked up from the keyboard and gestured to Dory with a tilt of the head. Dory laid her schoolwork aside and went to the door. It was her Uncle Peter and her Aunt Anna Lee.
“Anannalee! Uncle Peter!” cried Dory, happily. But then she noticed that their faces were somber.
“Hello, Dorothea”, said Uncle Peter quietly. “We need to speak with you and your mother. May we come in?” Dory’s heart began racing. She quickly put her hand on her aunt’s arm, helping her uncle to guide the blind woman through the door.
Uncle Peter walked towards Dory’s mother and called, “Helen. Helen!” With a start, Dory’s mother’s hands froze above the keyboard and her head turned. At the sight of her brother and her husband’s sister, she cried, “Peter! Anna Lee! Has something happened?” She too had read their somber expressions.
“Helen, may I speak with you privately?” Uncle Peter asked. To the young student, he said gently, “My dear, you will need to go home now.”
Dory intertwined her fingers with her Aunt’s. “Anannalee?” she whispered. “What is happening?” Her aunt squeezed her hand. “Dory, my love, let’s go to your room now.”
Anna Lee could have found her way, but Dory held onto her anyhow. The two of them climbed the stairs slowly. Dory turned to watch the scene below. Uncle Peter was respectfully helping the student with her coat. Her mother’s hands were still poised in the air, although she was now standing. Anna Lee paused with Dory. They waited until the voice student had left before they continued their climb.
In Dory’s bedroom, Anna Lee found her way to Dory’s bed. “Close the door”, she commanded quietly. Dory did as she was told. Then she crossed the braided rug to join her aunt. She laid her head on her aunt’s shoulder, and clasped her arms around her slight body. Anna Lee was her soul mate. She had a best friend her age, but Anna Lee was the person who understood her completely.
Anna Lee held Dory away from her and did her best to look into her niece’s face, although she was sightless. “Dorothea, your father passed away this afternoon. He suffered a massive heart attack. He was taken to the hospital, and the doctors tried everything they knew, but he is gone, child.”
Dory became sightless like her aunt. The only image she had was of her father, the rims of his spectacles catching the sunlight as they walked together in the park. She could almost feel his large hand enclose hers. She could breathe his scent. His voice rumbled above her, telling her stories from the “olden days”, when he too had been a child.
Anna Lee interrupted Dory’s reverie, touching her face, feeling her cheeks. “Dory, where are your tears?” Dory did not answer because she couldn’t breath. “Dorothea?” queried Anna Lee, alarmed. She put her palm to her niece’s chest, and felt her heart pounding. She could sense Dory struggling to breath. She gently bent Dory over, pushing her head between her knees. “You must breathe.” Anna Lee rubbed Dory’s back methodically. Dory tried to breathe. It was difficult, but finally she began to suck in breaths of air. “Oh, Daddy!” she murmured from between her knees. Then she sat up.
She felt her face crumple into a silent cry of anguish. Her voice was silenced. Hurt pushed its way deep inside her. As it pressed unrelentingly into a seemingly bottomless cavity, she began to feel that she would go mad. She could not understand how her father could be gone. He had been so vital and energetic. Anna Lee’s fingers sought Dory’s face to read her feelings. She read Dory’s anguish.
Anna Lee’s own face struggled to remain composed, but lost the struggle, and she, too, displayed her own anguish. Tears spilled from her eyes as she drew Dory close. She held Dory tenderly, rocking her, and whispered into her hair, “Weep, my love. You must let your feelings out. Don’t hold them in. The hurt will be worse.”
The simple act of Anna Lee’s embrace released Dory from her feeling of silent madness. She wept into her aunt’s shoulder and squeezed her aunt back as if the tiny woman could save her from drowning. Her aunt began to hum a lullaby. Although Dory was much too old for lullabies, Anna Lee knew that the association of being comforted would help her niece. After a long time, when Dory’s sobs had ceased, her first thoughts were for her brother.
“Anannalee, does Bennie know?” Anna Lee shook her head.
“No, precious child, I wanted to you to know first.” Anna Lee explained. “Bennie will need your strength. He depends on you the way you depend on me. Now that you have had some time to grieve, you need to be strong. If you can, try to remain composed around him.”
Dory shook her head slowly. “Oh, Anannalee, I don’t know if I can do it!” Dory cried.
“Dorothea, you must. I know that this feels like the end of the world. But you must draw upon your inner strength.” Anna Lee took Dory’s head in her hands, and slowly moved Dory’s head up and down in a nod. “See, my dear, you can do it!” Dory felt a smile appear and then vanish like a small, quick animal. Then she nodded her head on her own.
“Anannalee, I will try. But what if I fail?” Dory asked.
Anna Lee said fervently, “Dorothea, I would forgive you! But I also know that you will not fail. You have amazing capabilities that you are not even aware of.” Anna Lee wiped away her own tears, and smiled tentatively at her niece. She felt Dory’s face to know whether Dory could manage a smile of her own. She was not surprised to find Dory’s lips to be trembling.
“I would like you to tell your brother. He will not want us to see him cry. But in case he does, better that it be you who sees,” Anna Lee instructed. Dory thought about this, and nodded in agreement. Her brother was an easy-going boy of eleven. He was sensitive but proud. He had always emulated his father.
Anna Lee said, “Dory, there’s one more thing. Your mother is probably in pieces right now. Your father was the love of her life. He was everything to her. I doubt that she will be able to face the world for a little while.” Anna Lee’s voice had caught in her throat. Her heart was badly wounded. Dory felt new tears come, but just nodded her head as she tried to blink them away.
Dory and Anna Lee returned to the first floor. Uncle Peter was just closing the door to Dory’s parents’ bedroom. He looked shaken and extremely tired. His clothes were rumpled, and in places, wet. He looked at Dory with great sympathy. “Anna Lee?” he prompted.
“How is she?” Anna Lee asked, with great concern. Peter rubbed his eyes for a few moments before he could answer. He smoothed his jacket.
“She is not well. We will need to see that the children are fed and cared for over the next several days. We can re-assess then.” Uncle Peter turned to Dory. “How are you, Dorothea?”
“I am heartbroken, Uncle Peter. But I am going to be strong. Anannalee has asked me to tell my brother,” Dory replied. Peter nodded his head, and rubbed his eyes again.
“Are you sure you feel up to it? I can tell him, if you would like me to,” Peter offered. He looked at Anna Lee, marveling at what this amazing woman had achieved. No one but Anna Lee could have helped Dory to reach a state of calm and control so quickly.
“I will try. If I can’t, then maybe you could do it. Can I see my mother?” Dory queried. Peter shook his head.
“No, sweetheart, she is sleeping. She is very tired. She needs to rest for a few hours. Anannalee will stay here to help you kids with dinner. Please don’t be afraid to ask for anything you need,” answered Peter. He gave Dory’s face a quick caress. “All right, then, I will see you very soon.” Then, he impulsively gave her a hug. Peter was not a very physical man. But he felt such deep sorrow for his sister’s children that he could not help himself.
Anna Lee announced to Dory, “I will be in the kitchen. I think Bennie is outside. If you are ready, now would be a good time to tell him, before he finds out accidentally.” Dory’s heart began fluttering. She went to her aunt and whispered, “I will try to be strong.” As she made her way to the back door, she began to think about how she would tell Bennie. She couldn’t just come right out and say it. She needed to work up to it.
Her brother was bouncing a rubber ball against the garage, singing a schoolboy song. He looked happy and carefree. Dory hated to watch this boy’s world fall apart. She loved her brother. She loved his innocence and his bright inquisitiveness.
“Bennie,” she called. The boy caught the ball neatly, and turned to her.
“Hi Dory! When’s dinner?” he asked.
“Bennie, dinner won’t be for awhile. Do you mind if we talk?” Dory asked.
“Sure, sis. What’s up?” Bennie said, easily.
“Let’s sit down.” She sat on the porch stairs, wrapping her skirt around her to make room for her brother. Bennie sat next to her.
“Bennie,” Dory began, “do you remember the time when Daddy was away in the war and God saved him?” Bennie looked at Dory strangely.
“Yes, Dory, but why do you want to talk about that?” Bennie asked, puzzled.
“Well, Bennie, do you remember how we thought that because Daddy escaped death, God must be watching over him?” Dory reminded him. During the war, their father had been the personal physician for a general. One day, the general had given their father leave to take the day off. On that very day, the general had been shot dead by German soldiers. Their father could have died too, had he been there.
Bennie frowned, biting his lower lip. He twisted his shirttail in his grubby hands. “Dory, do we have to talk about this?” he asked.
“Yes, Bennie. The reason is that Daddy died today. We thought he was safe from death. But he was not.” Dory felt herself begin to lose control. Her voice had begun to quaver. She clenched her teeth and intertwined her fingers tightly together.
“Dory, what do you mean Daddy died today? Died how? I just saw him this morning! I don’t understand.” Bennie sounded panicky. Dory put her hand on his knee and squeezed it. Bennie pushed her hand away angrily.
“Bennie, Daddy had a very bad heart attack. Sometimes the doctors can save people, not this time. Daddy died at the hospital.” Dory breathed out slowly. Bennie bowed his head down to his chest. He balled up his hands into fists and twisted them together. He kicked against the stairs a couple of times. He shook his head.
He asked his sister, “Are you sure? Are you really, really sure? You’re not making this up are you, Dory?”
Dory fought down the enormous lump in her throat and shook her head. “No, Bennie. I am not making it up.” She watched her brother. He closed his eyes tightly, and rocked back and forth a couple of times. Then he jumped up and said, “Dory, I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you at dinner.” Then he ran off behind the garage. Dory sighed, and smoothed her skirt over her knees. She rubbed her eyes. She was exhausted. She stayed on the porch for a while, listening for sounds of Bennie behind the garage. She heard nothing but birdsongs and the happy cries of other children in their yards.
Images of her father overcame her. She could see him in the dapper hat he wore in the mornings when he left for the office. She could see him kissing her mother and twirling her around the kitchen merrily, reaching back playfully to pull the ribbon from her hair. She watched him reading to her brother, making the characters in the children’s books come alive.
Dory and her father had a very special relationship. He loved to hear her play the piano. He would take her to the park, and then they would stop for ice cream on the way home. He listened to her. Even though he never showed disappointment, she worked hard to please him. In times when she had erred, he would not scold her. Instead, he would help her figure out how she could avoid making the same mistake again. He was a good teacher. Dory was proud of how close she was to her father. Not all of her girlfriends could boast of such a special relationship with their fathers.
Thinking that there was probably not much she could do for Bennie right now, Dory stood up, stretched, and entered the house. She went into the living room to find a photograph of her father. She found one of him in his army uniform. He looked especially handsome. She picked it up and gazed at his beloved countenance. Quietly, she climbed the stairs to her room, and slipped the photograph under her pillow.
She sat down on her bed, and looked out the window. She wondered what was to become of her family. Everything had changed in an instant. The things her aunt and uncle had said about her mother worried her. For how long would her mother be unable to face the world? She gnawed at her knuckle anxiously. Her aunt had not said so, but it seemed like she would need to be strong for her mother, not just Bennie. Dory knew that she would grieve terribly. But her aunt had been right about her. She did have an inner strength. She did not think her mother had that kind of strength.
Dory’s thoughts turned to God. She had always trusted God, as her parents had taught her to do. They had always taught her “God had his reasons.” She couldn’t imagine what God’s reason could be for taking her father. She asked now, “God, why did you take him? I don’t understand. I just want to know what your reason was.” She was afraid to ask for too much. She did not want God to be cross with her. If God became displeased, perhaps he would take her mother too, or even Bennie or Anannalee. Dory began to wonder whether God even had a reason.
Over the next few days, Anna Lee and Dory’s other aunts helped her run the household. Her uncles took care of the funeral arrangements. Anna Lee took food to Dory’s mother, and tried to talk to her, but she was unresponsive. Anna Lee helped Dory’s mother bathe and dress for the funeral. But as soon as the family returned from the cemetery, Dory’s mother took to her bed again, despite a house full of mourners. Dory did her best to play hostess along with her aunts. All of the busy work helped her to avoid dwelling on her hurt during the day. But at night in her bed, when no one could see, she grieved.
As Dory felt herself blossom into the strong girl that Anna Lee had predicted, she began to think of herself as her father’s child. He had been strong, like his sister Anna Lee. She felt that in some way, she could carry on his legacy by emulating him, as she had emulated Anna Lee. Bennie must have been his father’s child too. He never showed his pain, but he had begun to spend hours in the garage tinkering with their father’s old roadster. Leaning against the garage doorway, she would watch him, touched by the intensity of his concentration. He, too, was channeling his grief into productive work. She imagined that the work helped her brother to feel connected to his father.
Finally the day came when Dory was admitted to her mother’s bedroom. It had been one week. She had never been apart from her mother for even one day. The shades were drawn, and the air was thick. Her mother was a still lump beneath the quilt. Her hair was dark against the white pillow. Dory sat gently on the bed, and leaned over her mother, whose face was turned to the wall.
“Mother, how are you feeling?” she asked. Her mother turned to look up at Dory. There was darkness beneath her eyes, and her face had aged.
“Darling,” her mother said sorrowfully. “I am so sorry. I have been a terrible mother.” Talking seemed to take a lot out of her. Dory leaned over and pressed her lips to her mother’s cheek for a long time. Her eyes squeezed shut as she stroked her mother’s hair. She breathed in her mother’s scent. The scent had changed. Dory sat up, her eyes seeking her mother’s face. “Mother, I love you so much. When can you be with us? We really miss you!” Dory’s mother turned her face to the wall.
“Darling, right now, I cannot imagine leaving this room. I’ve been praying. I cannot understand why God allowed this to happen.” Dory felt a pang of empathy. She had been struggling, too. Then her mother turned to her, and spoke again.
“I feel terrible for asking, but can you manage without me for awhile? I hear that you have been a real trooper.” Dory’s mother closed her eyes, breathing deeply for a while. Then she opened her eyes, and said, “You are an amazing girl, Dory. Your father…he would be so proud. I am, too. Oh honey, I’m so tired. Please kiss me, and then you must go.”
Dory kissed her mother, but as she turned to leave, she felt hurt to her core. She felt as if she had lost both of her parents. She hated her life. She was tired of being strong and she missed her mother. She wanted to be a child again. She began to feel angry, but she did not know at whom she was angry. But then she thought of her father and immediately felt ashamed.
Dory wondered how she could keep her father alive as more than just a memory. She tried imagining that he was inside of her, that he was one with her. His mind could read her thoughts and he could sense everything that she could sense. She liked it. For a few hours, she played this new game. She began to feel more grown up. That night in her bed, for the first time since her father’s death, she did not weep. Instead, she lay there quietly, just imagining him there with her. She had him all to herself. She couldn’t converse with him. He was simply present, watching over her. Her heart warmed with love and contentment.
When she awoke in the morning, she decided to try the game again. It was awkward as she dressed. She didn’t want her father to see her body. But she liked the idea of him seeing all that she saw. At school, he saw her schoolwork as she wrote. She tried to make her longhand more like his. He saw the other children in the hallway as she moved between classes. She lifted her head and smiled at them, as he would have. After school, she wanted to be alone for a while, so she abandoned the game. But that night, she wanted him back. His presence kept her from drowning. She found herself returning to the game again and again. When he was with her, she felt braver, smarter, stronger, and more grown up.
Over the months it took her mother to recover, Dory was effectively the head of the household, although she had her aunts and uncles to lean on. She became a capable young woman, simultaneously managing a household, completing her schoolwork, and being a surrogate mother to her brother. Through all of these labors, she kept her father close.
When her mother rejoined the family, she was a different woman. She never fully recovered from the loss of her husband. Until Dory left home for college, her mother depended on her, as she never had before. Perhaps she sensed the quiet strength of her husband in her daughter. As Dory had needed her father, Dory’s mother needed her daughter to keep from drowning.
Dory’s childhood had ended on the day her father died. But she had become a new person. She saw the world through two pairs of eyes; her own, and her father’s as he watched her grow. Because she could imagine him as part of her, she was never without him again. Every day of her life, her own private game helped to keep him alive.
Note: This story is inspired by what I know of my mother's loss of her father.
