True or Not  − 16 May, 2008

Have you ever thought something to be true to discover it was not ? And then discover you may have been right all along ?

If there is a time to eat chips, it’s now and lots of it. Instead I eat butter pecans. Not the same at all…

I have felt like there was something wrong about me for the major part of my life. Not as bipolar wrong. Sexually wrong. There were signs that pointed to sexual abuse from before I was 16 and I always thought « something » had happened but I never had any proof. Then I learned that my mom had lived something incestuous but she wouldn’t tell what and my therapist said that maybe she had transmitted this to me psychogenealogically. I felt relieved.

I have no souvenir of anything happening to me that would explain my feelings and fears. So a psychogenealogical explanation kind of popped the balloon of questions I had over my head.

But tonight, in therapy, I talked about what I lived through and what I felt about my different rapes and abuses and the therapist said that it felt like I was transposing another event onto the events that were happening to me at the time. I was talking about what I wrote about in a previous story, last week I think. This paralyzing fear of angering the man, of being hurt and of dying when I wasn’t yelled at, tied down or I didn’t have a gun or knife pointed at me. She asked when did I fear for my life. I had nothing to say. But I asked if babies could fear for their lives and she said yes. Then maybe being shaken and yelled at by my dad when I was a few months old could explain it.

Then I continued talking about my stuff. And I told her about my outer body experiences while having sex. I say it’s outer body because I feel disconnected, not there. I talked about the pain I feel when I have sex, the doctors that say it’s psychological, the sexologist I saw. The pain went away but is now present each time I try having sex. Not the same pain.