A Bad Trip  − 17 May, 2008

No, it wasn’t an acid trip or a high gone wrong.  It was our second weeklong trip with friends.  Sounds like fun, right?  A little sun, relaxation, good cheer and good company.  What could be better?  A lot of those wonderful things went on.  But there was also some seriously bad mojo.  My husband and I do very well on trips together – when it’s just us.  We fall into an easy rhythm that just works.  It also does wonders for our relationship.  We talk a lot about all kinds of things. We each get to be ourselves, and be loved for it.  We are reminded about why we fell in love with each other in the first place (or at least, I am). 

When we travel with these friends, that rhythm doesn’t happen.  Instead, we are on completely different wavelengths.  We don’t even interact a lot.  These trips have both ended with me a wreck because I felt distant from my husband when I wanted to be close.  Then he gets angry with me.  For him, the bad mojo is my issue.  He doesn’t feel the same way.  He just enjoys hanging out with our friends, and my wreck-edness ruins it.  I end up feeling terrible about the whole vacation.  This year’s trip was even worse than last year’s.

It’s been a bunch of months now.  Our friends have just written us an email saying they’d like to talk about vacationing together again this summer.  We shared part of our vacation with them last summer.  THAT vacation worked a hell of a lot than the two “bad trips”.  By the time we saw them, we’d had at least a week and a half of togetherness with that good rhythm going.  I was relaxed, and I enjoyed their company.  It was only for a few days, so even though our rhythm changed a bit, it wasn’t much of an issue.

Just reading the email, my heart rate increased.  I could feel the anxiety creeping back.  I told my husband that we needed to talk about it.  He seemed to agree that if we were going to be away for only a week, then it would probably be reasonable not to include our friends.  The question will arise if we are going to be away for more than a week.  I personally don’t want to share our vacations with these friends until my husband and I are on extremely firm footing.  We’ve had a rocky relationship for most of our marriage.  Lately, things have been improving substantially.  I am very afraid to risk even one iota of that progress.

As I sat down to eat lunch, it occurred to me that rather than having an argument about next winter’s potential trip with our friends, I’d just go somewhere else and let my husband have his fun with our friends.  I mentioned that to him, and he asked whether I’d want to join them for the last part of the vacation.

I didn’t.  Never mind the big expense for only a few days.  Just the thought of returning to the place where I experienced so much pain a few months ago makes me tremble with dread.  I told him, no, but that who knows, maybe I’d feel differently in 6 months.  But I don’t think so.  Maybe I won’t tremble with dread.  But twice burned, many more times shy. 

Maybe some day, when our marriage is really solid, we’ll be able to create that good rhythm even with our friends.  Or if we can’t, maybe I won’t mind because life together will so good for the other 50 weeks out of the year, one week just won’t matter.

But we have a long way to go before that time.  I’m very happy to say that we are going in that direction at a more rapid pace than we have at any time in recent memory.  I love that man, and I do not want to risk unnecessary stress and potential damage to our fragile relationship just to spend some time away with friends we can see here at home any time.

Comments:

lilsnowgirl (May 27, 2008. 04:50pm)

I think that you're right to want a holiday for just the two of you. As soon as you enter the work life you spend more time with your colleagues than you do with the partner you live with. To want a week or two a year of just 'couple-time' is really not too much to ask. It is good to compromise though and like you said, the vacation where you spent just the last week with your friends did work well. I'm sure you'll figure out the right balance with time.

nosecrets (May 27, 2008. 11:46pm)

My husband seems to understand, as long as we hang out with these friends while we're in town.