The Green Clarinet Man − 18 May, 2008

I have a theory about super powers. Pointless, really, since there are no super powers, but anyway:

My theory goes like this: for every being A, there is a power B that will prove their ultimate undoing.

For example: my dog Nora (A) likes to hide. Her fatal superpower would be invisibility (B). No one would ever see her again.

In Lord of the Rings, many people (A's) wanted the Ring of Power (B). Yes, it made the wearer invisible. Also, angst-ridden. But apparently it had other advantages. That's why so many people spent so much time trying to get it. (Despite the fact that the ring's presumed poster child, Gollum, wasn't exactly high on anyone's list of healthy, happy customers.)

Well, I've found my B.

I do not normally watch TV. However, my wife got me hooked on BBC America.

In particular, I watch a show called "That Mitchell and Webb Look." It's a series of comedy sketches, and, well, last Friday, they nearly killed me with The Green Clarinet Man.

(You can probably find this sketch as a video on YouTube, but I don't like to link directly to offsite media unless I'm certain the link will remain active for a reasonable period of time.)

It goes like this:

There's a man who's always being picked on at the office. One day, when the boss was being particularly horrible, he goes out into the hallway to find a man in a strange green costume (which is worth the price of admission in itself).

The strange man gives him a magic green clarinet. If you point it at someone and blow, they will be forced to sing out an embarassing personal secret "which they will be unable to deny."

The horrible boss comes out, and becomes the first victim.

Unfortunately, the main character begins abusing the power soon after . . . and all I can say is, if you watch this episode . . . BEWARE THE RED TUBA.

Now, I'm bringing this up because my wife came back from Virginia yesterday. One of the things people notice about us is we speak this private language, mostly inside jokes. The Green Clarinet immediately became one of those. It's good we have the same sense of humor -- probably that's the main thing that's kept us going all these years (it will be 13 this year).

Well, back to my theory: This is my B.

There are many of you out there who think, yeah, if I had a Green Clarinet, I'd only use it to correct injustices. I'd only use it if someone really deserved it.

Hah. I know me. I think the question is, when WOULDN'T I use it?

Now, the character in Mitchell and Webb's sketch used it for personal gain. Not me. I'd use it in the same spirit as that old west saying "God created all men. Smith and Wesson made them equal."

Well, no. The Green Clarinet would make them all equal. Everyone has embarassing secrets -- problem is, they're pretty much the same ones, across the board. The only reason they're embarassing is that no one admits to having them.

Aha! Then along comes the Green Clarinet.

Hee hee!

Drive by tootings.

Better yet: I'd wait until the local NPR station went on their pledge drive campaign, donate a pile of money (this is a fantasy, after all), and ask that I could say a few words to the audience, preferably during that time when most of them have just arrived at work. "Thanks, I support NPR because I can hear new music . . . like this!!!!" Toot-a-toot-a-tootle-a-toot, toot-a-toot . . .

So, fortunately, there's no actual Green Clarinet. Because someone would surely feel the need to toss ME in Mount Doom instead of some crummy ring.

Posted on May 18, 2008. and has been viewed 86 times.