Visit to dead people − 19 May, 2008

Once or more often twice a year I went to the mountain cemetery. It’s a nice and quiet place to walk. My dead family is too far from here, but ex-wife family is here. So, I stay a couple of minute and speak with them. They were nice with me and even I was divorced, I went to see them nearly every month. So yesterday it was my remember day. I always forgot bring some flowers or stuff like that. But I always try to find nature stuff to give them like a sacrifice.

It’s always a strange feeling for me to be in a cemetery because most of my family is dead, and here in Canada you have to walk over dead people to see yours.

I asked them if they have met my mother, father and twin and the response come from the trees, but I don’t understand this language.

One or two hours later, I came back home and was looking at some pictures of my family funeral monument, when I heard some noise in my bedroom. Nothing except the cats but they were like brutally awake.

This feeling makes me crazy sometimes. I’m like an antenna when my stomach is burning and my heart is going around my breast.

This night, before sleeping, I was thinking about my death. Perhaps my cats are going to eat me because nobody will come or ask for me. And after, what are they going to do? My life insurance is still valid until I am 100, so I know my son will always have enough money to put me in a paper box and make me burned. And then what to do?

Since a couple of months, I think about my dead twin more than 55 years ago. He is alone in Germany and I don’t know about this cemetery. All I have is an old picture from 1952.

Perhaps I have to send an email to this cemetery to see if is the right place and what happened to his body.

What is death? What is being alive? Why Am I here? Why is there always a church around me, even in my work place?

And so many others questions! My brain is always running even my legs do not!