Getting back on the wagon is harder than I would like it to be − 12 June, 2008
So I'm in a bit of a wave trough since last week. Every time it happens I eat too much of good/bad things and I manage to end up with a new guy in my life.
Let's thank therapy that I know this is what happens. So this time I ate too much but I didn't end up with an Ex in my bed and I didn't just ask for hugs from guys that are interested and I want nothing to do with. Ye me.
There are no more Doritos in my kitchen...or bedroom...or family room. No soft drinks, no chocolate bars. I did bake this week so I had something sweet to eat at work that didn't involve huge amounts of trans fats, sugar, etc. I ate healthy salads of spinach, meat and fruit and drank lots of water.
But this returning on the wagon is harder because my therapy is really shaking me. The waves menace to swallow me and drown me.
I am getting desperate. I am discouraged. I am angry. I am sad.
My relationships with members of my family are going nowhere. My friendships are getting nowhere. I don't feel I connect to people. It hurts.
So it's harder to eat well. It's harder not to drown in TV series, Doritos, men, hungh. If I was a druggie or an alcoholic, I would definitely be off the wagon and the wagon would already be rolling away from me.
My relationship to my sister has affected me greatly in my life. I dream about us fighting and trying to kill each other almost every night. I dream of us comparing offsprings, pregnancies, big bellies, everything.
My friends remind me of my mom. They are mostly shallow, unable to stand straight, to assume their emotions. They eat their emotions (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree), they shop till the credit card is maed. They don't listen to anything I say. I can't shake the habit of talking too much too fast before they interrupt and start talking about them, them, them.
And I just don't care. I am revolted. I am revolted that bad people like my sister can just have babies, cheat on her boyfriend and have him trust her again, have loads of friends, have my parents on her side because suddenly she is saintly. I used to support her, trying to convince my family to trust her, to give her a bit of credit. I don't anymore. I see her for what she is, I see my parents for what they are...
And I wish I was blind again. Blind to what they do and say. Blind to what they make me feel. Blind to my memories.
But I'm not and I'm pissed.
Comments:
peahayes (June 13, 2008. 02:09am)
with your eyes wide open, live better than them all. At the age of 50, look back and be glad that you were not blind. Life is crazy, there's no getting around. Your own life doesn't have to be crazy, though.
PandoraBox (June 13, 2008. 04:45pm)
It's just so difficult to live without a family. I would like to be able to spend Christmases, Easters and other occasions with them and I can't because they're so unhealthy. I hope one day I will have my own family and things will be more healthy, more fun, less dangerous for everyone's mental state.