Roller coaster update (with a touch of purple cow syndrome) − 16 July, 2008
So much has happened since I last posted about my carpal tunnel syndrome and my difficulty concentrating in a cube farm. But as always, it has been a real roller coaster ride. Not so long ago I was concerned about having interesting work to do. Then, when I was told I would have to work in a cube farm, I was reduced to fighting for a way to get my job done. Now I am at the level of fighting for my health. Interesting work is irrelevant for now.
I went back to work fulltime on Monday. At first I was good about taking breaks and doing my stretches. Then, as it seemed like I was doing all right, I got lazy. I took breaks but didn’t do my stretches. I was like the guy who quits taking the antibiotics when he starts feeling better. My carpal tunnel syndrome took a turn for the worse on Friday. I had borrowed an ergonomic keyboard and a trackball in the morning. By the end of the day I had tingling in my fingers. I continued to have trouble over the weekend. By Sunday night I was quite worried. In the wee hours of Monday morning I had a trouble sleeping because of anxiety. I was so scared that I lost my composure at work when I tried to honestly answer the question “How are you?” from our receptionist.
During the day I did not use the trackball. Trackballs have historically given me problems. I studiously followed my rule of taking breaks once an hour and doing my desk stretches. Things seem to be going well. I had been thinking I needed to go back to work halftime, but it was looking good at mid-day. But by 3:30 I knew I could not put in an eight-hour day. At one point I put on that Peter Gabriel song from Wall-E, and tears streamed down my face as I wondered what was to become of me. I hated my life. I was sick of not being able to do normal things. I had no idea when I would heal. It was awful.
This morning I had an appointment with a physician’s assistant, who consulted with my primary care physician. We agreed that I should go down to half time. We will reevaluate in six weeks. She told me it could take as long as six months to heal. I wasn’t happy to hear that, but at least it helped me to adjust my expectations. It is the not knowing that is so frightening.
She also explained that anytime we use new equipment, our muscles are not used to it. We can be sore, and it will seem as if we have taken a step backward. But once our muscles are used to the equipment, we should start improving. She pointed out that I couldn’t compare this flare-up of purple cow syndrome to my last one 12 or 13 years ago. Did you catch that? “Purple cow syndrome”? That’s MacSpeech Dictate’s fault. I’ve never had purple cow syndrome before. In any case, I am older now and I’m using the computer a lot more than I was back then.
The other part of the story is what my posse has been doing to help me lobby for a better work set up. I felt very encouraged when I talked to the woman who loaned me the keyboard and the trackball. I felt like she would be able to help in the effort to convince my bosses that although what they’re offering might seem attractive, it didn’t solve the problem in the best way. Then I got e-mail from a person who I thought would be the lead rider in my posse. I had expected that we would meet. She was supposed to be the one that knew all about the Americans with Disabilities Act. I had been wondering why she hadn’t contacted me.
Something about the way her e-mail was written and maybe the emotional state I was in caused me to lose hope. I lost hope that there was any point talking to my bosses. I was sure that they would say no to an office. I feared that to even bring it up would only antagonize them. But when I talk to my husband, he said “No no no no no!” He told me to stop thinking that way. I realized that he was right. Why would I go to all the trouble I’ve gone to only to crap out before the last act? I was all fired up when we talked. If I’d had access to e-mail at the sushi joint, I would have fired off an e-mail right then and there saying, “Let’s do it!”
But by the next day, I had lost heart again. By Monday morning, I knew that the carpal tunnel problem had to be addressed before it would make sense to pursue office space improvements. So I told my posse to hold off for now. I’m back in limbo land again, but a least this time I have one foot in the door. My life will have some semblance of normalcy.
God am I ever tired of this story! There will be more posts as things develop, but I welcome the day when I don’t need to write about this any more. There is other stuff I would much rather write. But this is my life. In a year, I can look back at all these posts and thank my lucky stars that those days are over.
Comments:
intrepideddie (July 16, 2008. 12:27pm)
I thought roller coasters were supposed to be *fun*...
peahayes (July 16, 2008. 01:21pm)
Only when they're physical! Emotional ones bite.
bmccosar (July 17, 2008. 01:27am)
Every time I hear "trackball" I think of this old game called "Missile Command." I'm lucky to have avoided carpal tunnel syndrome -- or purple cow, for that matter. Think about it: I'm a heavy computer user, and I also play guitar, bass, and piano . . . all very wrist intensive instruments. I wonder why it strikes some and misses others. I even play guitar with these ridiculously heavy jazz strings (the heaviest gauge I could find, with a 0.015" e-string).
peahayes (July 17, 2008. 01:47am)
my physician's assistant told me that more women get a man because their wrists are smaller. She said my wrists are especially small. Do you have big wrists?
bmccosar (July 17, 2008. 11:27am)
Actually, no . . . my legs are much like the Hulk's, but my arms are kind of like the dude in the Charlie Atlas ad who gets sand kicked in his face ;-)