Mossad and the Fijis − 25 October, 1982

Mossad was an illegal cat. The rules at Colorado State's dormitories were very clear---no pets.

Screw that.

He'd been picked up as a stray and lived in my dorm room as well as shacking up on occassion in Jim Shapiro's (aka Mad Manny). Manny found him and picked the name Mossad because the cat was in deep cover and the world was against him. We had him for some weeks and kept the rooms clean via a litterbox. Indeed, whenever it became time to dispose of the evidence, there would be runners on the floor who would scout ahead for a TA or other dorm employee. It was always a dangerous mission because the TA (Wyn), who never met a rule he didn't like, would've had Mossad sent to the pound.

That said, over time we'd established a fairly decent routine.

Among the other routines was an intramural flag football league. CSU is a monster school with several thousand students living on campus so organizing teams wasn't that difficult, especially if you also invite the Greek societies.

There was one frat (can't remember the Greek) who were known as the Fijis. They were a hybrid group (pinch of Animal House, some ROTC, lots of guys with perfect teeth named Doug)---born to lead and all that shit.

Couldn't play football well, however. Must've been too many leaders on their team. Anyway, we kicked their ass in a semi-final that put us into the championship. Maybe it was the fact that the Fijis had had a real blowout the night before the game and were too hung over. Didn't matter. We thumped them hard and rubbed in the embarassment as one should to Greeks.

The game ends and they go back to their house to finish off the beer from the night before. A few hours passed and they're drunk again and in a surly mood. So about ten of them drink up a cup of courage and come over to Ingersoll Hall to throw various items like beer cans, eggs and other edibles from their trash. The front doors were locked so they could only shout abuse and throw missiles at our 2nd and 3rd floor windows.

Under attack, the guys on my floor did a quick huddle on the floor to discuss options. The Fijis were pretty good at throwing stuff so opening windows was not really an option. They were also spoiling for a brawl outside the dorm, where there could come no good from it.

While figuring out what to do, Manny broke into a wide grin and whispered in my ear. I told him it was, no pun, the final solution and there would be no going back. We agreed that afterward we'd take responsibility and make things right by him. We also drew straws on who would have to take the shots by opening their window and drawing the Fijis in close. Jamie lost but he was game for the idea.

So he went to the window facing the baying crowd of drunks and preceded to give his best imitation of the French insult artist from Monty Python ("I fart in your general direction!") which only stirred them up and brought them closer to throw beer cans at Jamie who leaned out the window and swatted them aside, daring the best of them to come closer and not throw like such a pussy.

During this commotion, Manny and I were on our knees sliding toward the window out of sight with Mossad's litterbox, which hadn't been cleaned in over a week. Additionally, we'd fed him stuff from the cafeteria that hadn't agreed with him so it was extra spicy.

I can honestly say that raining cat litter and turds from a great height is one of the best non-lethal forms of crowd control around.

With that, Mossad was compromised and we bundled him out to friends at another dorm who eventually moved him through the network to an off-campus house where I'm sure he lived out his days.